I’m going to take off my pants now. But I’m going to keep my shirt on. Is that okay with you? Or we can turn off the lights and then I can take off my shirt. But I’d rather not do both. Fine. I’ll leave my shirt on. Can I take off your skirt? You have really smooth legs. Did you shave yours legs today? I was just asking. Leave your panties on. I like that. Just pull them to the side. That’s about as kinky as I get, I think. Whoa. That’s pretty kinky. I’ve never done that. Well, I’m kind of vanilla, I guess. What do you mean by chocolate? You just tell me what you want. I’ll do whatever you want. I can do that. I’ve never done that before. Like this? Oh, like that. Sorry. Like I said. Is that too hard? You can’t? Well, then, is that too hard? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Maybe you should get on top. Hold on. I’ll find it. I know where it is. Sorry. Looks like you’ve had a little practice. Nothing. It just means you seem like you know what you’re doing. But I like sluts. I’m all for that. I don’t know how to do that. I mean, I know how to do that, but I don’t seem to ever do it right. But what if I hurt you? But what if I do? I’m just saying. You never know. Like this? Should I spread my fingers or keep them closed? So wind resistance isn’t an issue? That seems kind of complicated. I was never good at science. I’m afraid to ask. I’m not doing that. I told you I’m not kinky. It sure is. It sure is. That’s the very definition of kinky. Can’t you just tell me? You’re acting like I have no idea what I’m doing. It will. Well, I’m not opposed to that. I have an open mind. I’ll try it. But if it hurts I’m stopping. You brought it with you? Wow, you’re so prepared. Hey. That’s huge. Is there anything I need to do? To like, I don’t know, get myself ready? I never would have guessed you were so advanced. This reminds me of the airport. Holy shit! No, don’t stop. Kind of. If you want. I am. Don’t say that again. That really turns me on. A little too much. Are you Italian? Maybe I should take off my socks. Why are you laughing? What’s a swirlie? Okay, I think I got it. I can do this. Just like you did it. Wait. Shhh. Be quiet. It’s just, you’re going to, please, stop talking. Oh my God. I can’t. I’m sorry. I tried not to. I asked you to please be quiet. Just give me twenty minutes. I promise. Don’t leave. I told you it’s been a long time since. I’m just really sensitive right now. Can I get you a towel? I don’t have a spoon. Not on me. They’re all dirty. There’s no need to get personal. That wasn’t my fault. I told you to stop with the dirty talk and you refused. You can take a shower. Let me get you a towel. I should have a clean towel for you. Do you care if it’s a beach towel? I never go to the beach. I don’t know why I have a beach towel. Van Gogh, I think. Monet? Are you sure it’s Monet? Hey, you would know. I’m not the one who works at Pottery Barn. There might not be any more hot water. That was a mouse. I thought I killed it. You kill it. They don’t bother me. Please. Take your time. I only have that one bar of soap. That’s probably an armpit hair. I can tell the difference. The hairs in my armpit are a lot softer. Let me get rid of that for you. I got soap under my fingernails. God I hate that. There’s no lock on the door. I’ll be out here. Feel free to use my shampoo. It’s organic. I stole it. That and newspapers. But only on Sundays. I can? Like, a state penitentiary? That doesn’t sound right. You sound like you were a bad kid. Oh, yeah, I would have liked you. Why not? How do you know? I seem to be your type now. Do you like to listen to music when you’re getting all soapy? Turn on the radio. It should be right in front of you. What do you mean? Can I open the door for a second? Can I come in? Where’s my radio? I had a waterproof radio hanging from the knobs. Somebody stole my shower tunes. Who would steal a radio out of a shower? It’s not the same thing. I don’t believe in that. Maybe. I’ll get another one, I guess. Sure they do. Somewhere. That sounds right. You know, I really like watching you wash your hair. You look really classy right now. That’s the first thing I thought when I saw you. How classy you looked. Well, you’d never know. You wash your hair like you went to boarding school.
McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON
May 20, 2013