Dear Prospective Applicants and Their Bank Accounts/Legal Guardians,
The time is coming for you to find an institution in which you’ll spend the best four years of your life. We’re fairly certain you’re planning to apply to us here at Prestigious University, because even though we’re ludicrously overpriced, we carry a brand name that will astound peers and extended family alike. Nonetheless, in case you were on the fence, here are some of our thrilling qualities to consider.
Are you interested in forking over hundreds of thousands of dollars in tuition, likely leading to a young adulthood characterized by crippling debt? Do you plan to become that guy at Thanksgiving who semi-ironically wears a sweater vest and quotes 13th-century philosophers to describe modern race relations? Are you looking forward to over-educating yourself for the unpaid internship that’s sure to follow in this hostile economy?
We know that our admission rate of .002% can be daunting, but it is statistically possible to get accepted. After all, we need you to fund our athletics, marketing, and overseas campus construction. Thus, we arrive at the purpose of this letter. There seem to be a few misunderstandings regarding what our admissions officers are looking for. Hopefully, the following will clear things up.
- We want a well-rounded student body. Therefore, we suggest applicants be valedictorians, class presidents, music prodigies, and nationally competitive in at least one sport. We’ll examine state champions on a case by case basis. Whoever said that you can’t be the best at everything clearly wasn’t a P.U. alumnus. We recognize that this pursuit may be life-consuming, so social interaction is only necessary to the extent of charming two authority figures for recommendation letters. If you feel this will be an issue, we recommend readings such as Conversation: 101 and Enjoying Youth: A Novel, both of which may found in our bookstore for the monetary equivalent of the downpayment on a small home.
- We maintain a minimal requirement of twelve AP classes. We don’t actually accept these credits, but it’s nice to know that you’re desperate. Actual learning/understanding is entirely optional, occasionally even discouraged. The time and effort it takes to move past test-taking and rote memorization could be better spent achieving one of the other requirements listed above.
- Speaking of testing, we care about more than just numbers. With that in mind, if your standardized test scores aren’t quite perfect (up to one point off on the ACT and five on the SAT), we will still review your application. Obviously, we feel that this is a completely fair and valid method of examining students of all capabilities and socioeconomic levels.
- If you have yet to achieve some sort of groundbreaking innovation in your field of choice, feel free not to bother with an application. Examples of such an accomplishment include publishing a novel, single-handedly building a village in Africa (or wherever), obtaining certain Nobel Prizes, and/or developing a cure for the common cold/like ailments.
- You don’t need to volunteer unless you plan to write an essay about how even though you helped others, you were the one “that truly gained the most.” Great line, we’ve never heard it before.
- Our admissions are need blind, meaning that we don’t mind if for some unthinkable reason your attendance would cost more than your family can afford. But if we happen to house a library with your last name on it, our admissions officers may miraculously regain their sight. Bank Accounts, feel free to consider your child’s capability and interpret this as is necessary.
- We want the P.U. family to consist of good people. We’ve been getting a bit of flack about the whole sexual abuse and racism on campus stuff these days, but don’t worry, we’re not changing anything. It’s not like we can actually be held responsible for the actions of our students! Regardless of a few slip-ups, they’re still the future of this country. I suppose what we’re trying to say is, refrain from posting about your local neo-Nazi organization on Facebook, and you ought to be fine.
- Having a diverse student population is important to us — to an extent. We need enough minorities to fill our brochures, but not enough to radically change our environment and perspective. Considering this attitude is shared by our nation as a whole, we’re sure you won’t find reason to object.
- Finally, there are exceptions to every rule because every individual is unique. Due to the caliber of our applicants, even meeting all of these requirements may not be enough. We had to add this caveat to maintain just enough ambiguity to keep you up at night.
The admissions board of Prestigious University realizes that these qualifications may be daunting. Nonetheless, considering the necessity of a college degree in today’s society and the crushing expectations of your peers and loved ones, you don’t have much of a choice. Further, we wouldn’t even be able to maintain these requirements if not for more and more kids dedicating their youths to achieving them, fueled by the assumption that an acceptance letter will finally fill that bottomless pit with validation.
Note: Prestigious University is not responsible for any potential side effects of your efforts, including but not limited to stress, anxiety, depression, chronic sleep deprivation and associated accidents, migraines, ulcers, fractured relationships, suffocating regret and self-doubt, suicide, and early-onset mortality.
Best of luck,
Statistically White and Male University President