Dear Faculty,

Because we do not trust you
To do your job—
Or even to get out of bed
In the morning
And make yourself a bowl
Of Cheerios™ —
We have instituted a new and
Totally not time-wasting
Review process
For tenure-track faculty members.

Instead of simply a second-year review,
Fourth-year review,
And of course your super-fun
Colorful bouncy castle of tenure review
In your sixth year,
We will also be reviewing you during
The third and fifth years
Of your employment
In this profession that is failing
For reasons that we administrators
Absolutely do not understand
And for which we are not
In any way responsible.

We hope that by reviewing your work
Every single solitary year
And not missing a year
And not skipping over any of the years,
We will make you feel
Thoroughly reviewed.
It is our sincere intention to
Check up on you as
One might check up on
An unruly puppy that
Is not yet crate trained
And cannot be left alone
For a single goddamned second.

To this end, we ask that you
Fill out a form
That repeats not only
The annual internal review process that
Your department already performs,
But also contains a series of utterly
Repetitive questions
That all say that same thing
And communicate the same information
And convey the same ideas
And were written by people who probably
Should not have been granted tenure.

We administrators find repetition
Absolutely thrilling,
Like bumper cars or committees.
Ultimately, it is our goal that
Our faculty dedicate an
Equal amount of time to
Actually doing
Their teaching, scholarship, and service
And to narrating their teaching,
Scholarship, and service.

Some faculty in frivolous and unprofitable
Departments like English
Might say that these additional reviews
Change the terms
Of their employment,
Which could seem vaguely icky
Or indeed slightly unethical,
As Idris Elba is slightly hot.
But we are simply looking out for you,
Which we will also do in the
Panopticon that will be constructed
In the middle of our gorgeous
Country club of a campus.

Because we anticipate this new annual
Review process to be not only popular,
But also massively efficient,
We plan to roll out a more
Robust review system
In the coming years.
Ideally, we would like to work towards
Weekly reviews of our faculty,
Which you will submit by 2:08 p.m. on Mondays,
Including national holidays — even the ones
You think are gross,
Like Columbus Day.
Failure to submit this weekly report
Will result in immediate termination
And replacement by another human person
With a Ph.D. (god, there are
Soooooooooooo many of you!)
Who is less difficult and annoying.

You know what?
It occurs to us that daily reviews
Would certainly be a better way
To guarantee that you are
Progressing towards tenure
And not, say, roasting marshmallows
Or making a pieced chevron quilt.
Please submit your daily report
In hard copy by 6:00 a.m.
And include a lock of your hair.

In conclusion, we would like to remind you
That these changes won’t affect
Too many faculty members as
No one is really on
The tenure track anymore.
Indeed, the tenure track is
Sort of like a creepy and abandoned
High-school running track
In a poorly-produced horror film.
But the happy few who are on this track
Can rest assured that
We will be checking up on you.
Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
We’ll be watching you.

The Office of the Dean of
Driving Faculty Fucking Crazy