I wake up, head down to the kitchen, and pour myself a large bowl of AmazonBasics-brand Zorn Flakes. They’re not legally allowed to call them corn flakes anymore because they’re made with Amazon’s genetically modified corn substitute, Zorn, which is the only plant that still grows. Zorn Flakes taste like damp cardboard, but they’re very healthy because they have tons of empty calories, which nutritionists now all agree are good for you.
I head out the door where my self-driving Goober is already waiting for me. Thanks to the Uber-Google-Meta merger, they know everyone’s whereabouts every second of every day. At first, it was a little unsettling, but after the government used the data to round up all the social media influencers and deport them, people came around.
I get to my office building and walk past the horde of angry beggars that protest outside our office building every day. They’re mad because most jobs have become obsolete. Luckily, because I went to an Ivy League school, I have an extremely high-paying, creative-class job writing catchy jingles for advertisements. I am lucky to be in the 1%. The 1% is what we call people who have jobs.
As I walk toward my office, I wave to my two coworkers, Wendy, who writes ad copy, and my manager Paul, who is a robot. I sit down at my desk and begin brainstorming jingles but quickly get distracted. I queue up the only remaining source for news, Twitt-Tok, onto my mindscape, and scroll through the top news stories of the day:
- The S&P 5 is up 600 points on the news that Uber-Google-Meta has acquired Exxon-Mobil-Disney. In related news, the S&P 5 will now be called the S&P 4.
- The Knicks have won their seventh NBA Championship in a row. This isn’t all that surprising since there are only three teams left in the NBA.
- The Amazon™ US Department of Defense confirmed that Vladimir Putin has been deposed in a bloody coup d’etat. His successor is his clone, Vlad 2.0, who is scarier and looks even better shirtless on a horse.
- Blue Ivy’s new song featuring North West is #1 on the charts. But rumor has it the Swift Triplets are dropping a new single next week that will blow Blue Ivy’s song out of the water.
- President Trump has announced that First Gentleman Jared Kushner will head to Jerusalem to try to broker peace between Northeast Israel, Southeast Israel, Northwest Palestine, and North-by-Northwest Palestine. There is renewed hope for a twelve-state solution.
After work, I head out past the horde of angry beggars—a few of whom pelt me with rocks—and into another Goober. I get home and heat up leftovers. Zornloaf. After dinner, I sit down on the couch and take my daily microdose of MDMA. All drugs are legal now except for weed, which is super illegal. I log into my Apple Infinity account. Apple won the streaming wars in the early ’30s by being absolutely ruthless. Thousands perished. Now all of the streaming platforms are bundled into one convenient service that’s delivered over cable. It costs $800 a month.
My iThink turns on and begins beaming the latest episode of The Simpsons onto my mindscape. The voice of Homer Simpson drowns out the chants of the horde of angry beggars gathering in front of my house. Life is good.