Former LIEUTENANT COLONEL EDWARD ‘EGG’ N. HAMM, an old, wizened Irish-Catholic man, is walking down the halls of an office building. HAMM spots SAM I AM, a young, idealistic, energetic, Jewish intern.
HAMM: (to himself) That Sam I Am! That Sam I Am! I do not like that Sam I Am!
HAMM motions for SAM-I-AM. They begin to walk briskly down the hall with him, irreverent of the Mariachi Band whose presence will be mentioned offhand throughout the rest of the episode.
SAM-I-AM: Do you like Green Eggs and Ham?
HAMM stops sharply and looks at SAM-I-AM.
HAMM: Don’t get cute with me. Do you have the numbers?
SAM-I-AM: (eating a hot-dog) Yeah, I got them right here. You want to go over them?
HAMM picks up a baseball bat from behind a table and practices his swing.
HAMM: If you have the numbers, why isn’t the report on my desk? I don’t want to talk about them here.
SAM-I-AM: What about there?
SAM-I-AM gestures with the golf club he holds in his non-platter holding hand that he uses to complete the indoor mini-golf course in the office.
HAMM: No, not there!
HAMM: Of course, somewhere. But not here.
SAM-I-AM and HAMM break off in different directions. Both are quickly hidden by a deluge of papers given out by interns. One can only guess these papers are very important. Later, in HAMM’s office…
SAM-I-AM: Just read the report, Name!
HAMM throws a water-cooler at a wall to show his anger and passion for work.
HAMM: No. I will not read that report. I wouldn’t read it in a box and I wouldn’t read it on Fox News. Because that’s my patriotic duty. To not settle for less, to yearn for more. If I read the report now, I would be compromising every ideal I stand for. If we are to live truly free, we must walk through the Valley of Death and come out the other side smiling. This will not be my last stand in the house (of Reps), but here I stand, brave as a mouse.
Thousands of violins begin to play the most American songs ever created by the human race.
One single tear drops from SAM-I-AM’s eyes, and he gives HAMM a coy wink. HAMM turns to leave his own office for dramatic effect but hesitates at the door.
He turns and looks at SAM-I-AM like a man attempting to trick a future billionaire tech CEO into giving him partial ownership of the company.
HAMM: (with a twinkle in his eye) Oh, and one last thing. Drop the “I-am.” Just “Sam.” It’s cleaner.
SAM: (now narrating) I do so like former Lieutenant Colonel Egg N. Ham.