We regret to inform you:
Today’s not your day
Though you’ve sweated and labored
Every August through May

You have brains in your head
And a CV for miles
(Or so we have read
In your annual files)
But tenure is coming, just a few more years—
And the shit you’ll do, why, it’ll bring them to tears!

You’ll look up old colleagues just to smugly inquire
How their tenure clock’s coming and when it expires
And to show off your new status as you sign-off:
“Check the signature, bitch — ASSOCIATE PROF!”

With no committees to impress or advisers to flatter
You’ll find yourself writing about subjects that matter
While your pre-tenure colleagues all scoff and condemn
(And dream of the day when it happens to them.)

Such opinions you’ll have — in public, and more!
You’ll get suspended from Twitter for starting a war
About political subjects, about this, about that…
“D’Souza’s a moron”; “Pinker’s a hack.”

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you comb the backlist
Of all you ignored and all that you missed
While you were slouching towards tenure, blind as could be
To music and memes, to books and TV.

Whole mornings you’ll lose, and whole afternoons
To trolling and arguing with faceless buffoons
Like MAGABro69 and DixieBrunette —
You may even say a few things you regret.

But it’s okay!
You’ll be tenured!
And joy will abound
(Until the university itself closes down)

If your studies be Music, Econ, or Lit,
If your name be Dingus or Dill or DeWitt –
Your day will arrive
With a note from the dean,
And the shit you will do
will be shit they ain’t seen.