“Now 6 Dr. Seuss books are cancelled too? When history looks back at this time it will be held up as an example of a depraved sociopolitical purge driven by hysteria and lunacy.” — Marco Rubio 3/2/21

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As a proud capitalist, I fully believe in letting the free market determine things, such as what style boots are in fashion, how many thousands of dollars a closet should rent for in Bushwick, and who deserves to die of cancer. I feel strongly that the Invisible Hand will guide us to a fair, just world, and that no one should interfere with its Magical Invisible Handiness, not even when the Hand gets weird and gropey. But I draw the line at the free market deciding to pull six racist Dr. Seuss books off the shelves. I only support capitalism when it supports my values, and my only real value is racism.

Some people would argue that the Seuss Enterprise canceling these books is the free market at work. The market doesn’t like racism anymore, so the Seuss family has decided it’s no longer worth publishing these six books. “Racism is bad for the Seuss brand,” they say. But if capitalism can’t protect racism at all costs, then I’m simply not interested. I’ll go full-on socialist if it means protecting what really matters—that my six-year-old can still find illustrations mocking Chinese people in their local Barnes & Noble.

I am outraged that Joe Biden and AOC are canceling Dr. Seuss, a beloved icon of children’s literature who created such brilliant characters as The Cat in the Hat, The Grinch, and the heinously offensive caricature of African bushmen in If I Ran the Zoo. If cancel culture comes for Dr. Seuss, who’s next? Other racist children’s authors? This is exactly what Antifa wants: a horrifying hellscape where every child sees themselves respectfully portrayed in picture books.

Another thing—why is it OK to have songs like “WAP,” and yet Dr. Seuss is considered unacceptable? I’m asking because even though I’m an adult of voting age, I have no ability to distinguish between a song written for grown-ups and a book written for toddlers. It turns out reading all those Dr. Seuss books didn’t teach me any critical thinking. That’s why I’ll be singing “Wet Ass Pussy” next week when I’m the mystery reader for Ms. Walker’s kindergarten class.

Have I even read these books that are being canceled by these woke, identity-obsessed, social justice Ilhan Omar disciples? Had I even ever heard of McElligot’s Pool or The Cat’s Quizzer before today? That’s not really the point here. If I’d known earlier that they were so racist, then obviously I would have read them.

Anyway, I hope all this makes it clear that I support capitalism, but only if it’s oppressing the right people: Julio, Tyrone, and Xinxin in Ms. Walker’s kindergarten class. There’s no greater threat to our society than children being raised to know white supremacy is wrong. But I take comfort in knowing that even if Dr. Seuss is banned, at least we’ll still have the school to prison pipeline—oh, the places those kids will go!