I. I am the Lord thy Job, who brought thee out of the land of unemployment, out of the house of bondage to thy parents. Thou shalt not have family, friends, romantic relationships, hobbies, or outside interests before me. Thou shalt not make to thyself a life, nor the likeness of a life, for I am a jealous Job, hating them that sin against me and bestowing mercy on them that love me and keep my commandments.
II. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy Job in vain. Not in the lobby, not in the elevator, not in the hallway, not at thy desk, not in the breakroom, and certainly not in online forums designed to hold employers accountable for how they treat and/or compensate their employees.
III. Remember to keep holy the Sabbath day. Five days thou shalt labor and one day thou shalt go to the farmer’s market, seek sexual intercourse, or do laundry as thou pleaseth. But, the seventh day is the Sabbath, and on this day thou shalt receive emails from thy supervisor that apparently couldn’t possibly wait until Monday morning. For in the beginning, Job the Father created a positive net profit in six days and divided it amongst the Partners and the CEOs and the Executive Directors, and on the seventh day he rested very uneasily with a sense of creeping dread at the prospect of laboring once more. Therefore, he blessed the seventh day so that thou might feel this dread as well. Except for Karen, who will rejoice and flood the inboxes of every co-worker on earth and in heaven.
IV. Honor thy mother and thy father, for it was them that co-signed the student loans that will forever hold thee financially hostage in the kingdom of capitalism.
V. Thou shalt not commit adultery by taking interviews with other Jobs. Thou has but one true Job, thy Shepherd, and no real identity outside of his flock. And what if other Jobs don’t have free snacks and a beer cart on Friday like this?
VI. Thou shalt not steal pens or paper clips, printer paper or ink, and certainly not precious time. Every minute spent looking at thy phone in a bathroom stall is a minute stolen. Every sick day is a day pilfered. Every moment not spent eating, sleeping, or working at thy desk, is a larceny committed. Thy time is thy Job’s time. Thou shalt rise and grind each day unceasingly until death takes thee or HR terminates thee.
VII. Thou shalt not kill. Unless it has been specifically stipulated in thy contract or is required to achieve an IPO.
VIII. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy co-worker. Steve probably did not mean to touch thy breast by the photocopier. Also, HR would like to know why thy breasts were made so readily available for touching in the first place.
IX. Thou shalt not covet thy co-worker’s salary. Thou shalt not even ask thy co-worker to name it, and thou absolutely shalt not give it to Glassdoor.com. Thou shalt be satisfied with thy monetary blessings and cease repeatedly asking for a raise. The heavenly employer has already explained multiple times that it is not a good time financially, even though we just went public, and it’s very complicated and hard to explain in layman’s terms. Thou simply wouldn’t understand.
X. Thou shalt not covet thy co-worker’s work-life balance, nor their healthy attitude toward using vacation time, nor their ability to eat lunch away from their desk, nor their friendships with people outside the office, nor their many interesting hobbies, nor the love of their family, which they insist on making time for even though it’s incredibly unprofitable. Have faith that thy one true Job will see the sins of such a co-worker and fire them to the flaming depths of workism hell.
Instead, oh holiest of worshippers, covet nothing but the short-lived, cheap imitation of meaningful fulfillment and realized identity bestowed upon the followers of the holy trinity: The Work, The Work, and The Holy Work. Then, one day, thou shalt submit thy sacred timesheet and ascend to labor eternally in the Kingdom of Heavenly Profit, a blessed child of Job.
Praise be to work!