Thank you for your interest in the Rough Mud Run. Below is a brief overview of the event.
What is the Rough Mud Run?
A run, obstacle course, and all-around psychologically traumatic experience.
When is the Rough Mud Run?
Some time in the next month, when you least expect it. We’ll call you, and then you’ll have thirty minutes to report to the starting line. If you show up even a second late, you will not be allowed to participate in the run; however, we do ask that you stick around for a few minutes to take part in a brief shaming ceremony.
The Rough Mud Run will occur rain or shine, although fair warning, thanks to some help from a group of rogue climate scientists, we’ve more-or-less guaranteed the conditions won’t be “shine.”
The course is between 6 and 37 miles in length, with several wrong turns that can add up to 79 additional miles.
The terrain is made up entirely of mud and rocks. Each rock has been hand-sharpened by a disgruntled volunteer.
You will start out the run wearing a backpack, but you won’t be able to put anything in it, because when we say “backpack” we really just mean a cinder block with straps on it. Also, FYI: we don’t provide ready-made cinderblocks; we provide cinderblock-making materials. You will make your cinderblock backpack, put it on, run the first 3-19 miles (depending on whether or not you take any of those wrong turns), and then give it to a volunteer who will use it (along with everyone else’s) to build a giant cement wall. The wall is so you can’t turn back.
After handing off your cinderblock, you’ll be blindfolded. The blindfold is a live snake. The snake is trained to sense two things: fear and peeking. That means no fear and no peeking. You’ll run with this blindfold on for the next 2-36 miles (again, wrong turns), after which a volunteer snake handler will remove it. This is where the obstacle course begins.
Some Obstacles You May Face
The Ass Biter, The Nut Grinder, The Electric Squeal, Feast of Bees, Mirage Barrage, Just Straight Up Fucking Dangling Over Some Fucking Sharks, Nails! Nails! Nails!, The Gut Buster, The Butt Guster, Scary Larson’s The Tar Side: A Shingle Painel Comic Trip, Discus Discuss, Testla-la, Hay in the Needlestack, Working for the Tweak-end, and The Itch Unscratchable. All obstacles can (and most-likely will) be set on fire.
Pregnant Women in Labor
Additionally, the course will be scattered with pregnant women in labor. It is not required that you stop and deliver a baby along the way; however, at least one newborn child is required for admittance to the post-race beer garden.
Hot Cocoa Stops
There won’t be any hot cocoa stops. Duh! Seriously, why would you ever think we would put hot cocoa stops in an event like this? It’s insulting! In fact, just because you didn’t skip this section, we’re going to go back and sharpen the rocks all over again so that they’re double sharp. We hope you’re happy with yourself.
All participants who complete the run will be given a Rough Mud Run medal. The first 100 finishers will also receive a trowel, which they can use to bury their medal deep within a forest, so that they will never again be reminded of this terrible, terrible event.
Again, thank you for your interest in the Rough Mud Run. We look forward to seeing you on race day, whenever the hell it is.