Those leftist Atreides weirdos are politicizing sandworm attacks on Dune to control us and keep us in lockdown forever!

Okay, clearly the sandworms are real; I’m not one of those people that allegedly stormed Castle Caladan or anything. But come on, people, open your eyes. It’s just a thirteen-hundred-foot-long worm that lives under the desert of Arrakis that will sneak up on you and eat you alive if you walk outside on the sand, especially if you’re with a big group—in other words, it’s exactly like the common flu!

Did you know it has only a one percent death rate? There have only been seven hundred thousand deaths from sandworm attacks this year, so yeah, barely anyone even dies from them. We need to get back to running those spice mines as soon as possible and stop worrying that mining spice actually attracts the sandworm to that central location. So what, maybe we’ll have a sandworm incident, big deal, what’s the worst that’ll happen?

The point is, we’ve been in lockdown long enough. It’s time to go about your normal, everyday life and stop worrying that just by walking around in the world you might die from a sandworm attack—look how many essential Fremen are out there doing their jobs already! At worst, you might end up in the hospital or have permanent injuries, but we need to get back to normal already. Paul is straight-up LYING to us when he says they just need to figure out how to kill the sandworms before we go back to normal. I wouldn’t even be surprised if the Fremen engineered those sandworms in a lab somewhere specifically for population control.

And now they want us to get some new medicine to hopefully make it harder for the sandworm to reach us? Do your research, people; they put the Spice Melange in the vaccine. It doesn’t matter that the Spice is mixed into everything we eat and drink anyway; in this particular context, I don’t trust it, and you shouldn’t either. Dr. Wellington Yueh is on the board at the company producing them, so no thanks, I don’t need that “Yueh Goo.”

And don’t even get me started on those stillsuits! Um, if I want to walk out into the desert without wearing a mask that keeps me from dying of heat exhaustion and dehydration, that is my right as a proud Arrakeen! My body, my choice!

… To clarify, though, when I say, “My body, my choice,” that, of course, does NOT apply to Lady Jessica wanting autonomy over her reproduction. She will absolutely carry her little Bene Gesserit witch-seed to term no matter what!