Mario, Luigi, and Toad

Based on the classic video game characters, this group costume perfectly encapsulates your life—both because your baby, like Toad, is always present without making it clear what they actually do, and because the platonic realities of parenthood mean that you and your partner are now essentially siblings.

King Arthur, Guinevere, and Launcelot

It’s never too early to permanently warp your child.

Three of the six Village People

Shit, honey, the party’s in four hours! Don’t we have a toy construction hat somewhere? We can make that work. What else? What else? Would the cop outfit come off weird after, y’know, all of 2020? No, definitely not the Native American. Fuck it—let’s just tell them Skyler has a fever.

Family of bumblebees

Will only work if Dad still fits into his yellow-and-black-striped rugby shirt from college. Which, come on.

A living recreation of Edvard Munch’s The Scream, where one parent is madly shouting into the void as the child and other parent look on from a safe distance

Would be cute if this exact thing hadn’t happened on the Jersey Shore boardwalk last week.

Iron Man, Captain America, and the Incredible Hulk

You think little Wyatt will sit still long enough for you to put that green muscle suit on him? Ha. Hahahahaha! Ha.

The Three Musketeers

Might give you the chance to mention how D’Artagnan wasn’t actually one of the musketeers, which, after sixteen months of constant fatigue, is the only remotely interesting thing left in your brain.

Homer, Marge, and Maggie Simpson

A humorous way to pretend you live in the days when a middle-class family could afford a home.

Pac-Man, Ms. Pac-Man, and one of the ghosts

Instantly recognizable, this retro costume is an adorable reminder that your baby is trying to kill you both.

Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and a permanently scowling ball of frothing rage

You were going to dress up as C-3PO, but this is all you could muster after realizing what Congress’s refusal to address climate change means for your child’s future.


Because backbreaking physical labor now sounds like a fun change of pace.

A well-adjusted family where neither parent ever swears in front of the baby, even when the cat throws up for the third time in one day, and, oh, it seems the cat vomit got in the baby’s shoes, but that’s okay because you’re both adults who are always in control of their emotions

Halloween is all about make-befuckinglieve.

The Hunchback of Notre-Dame and two gargoyle sidekicks

Channel Victor Hugo as you highlight how breastfeeding has permanently destroyed Mom’s posture.


Con? Mindless, bleary-eyed drones shuffling from place to place as they struggle to remember the feeling of being alive is pretty on the nose for you and your partner. Pro? The baby’s so cute in that makeup!!

The Three Stooges

Might as well embrace your child’s new habit of poking you directly in the eyeballs.

Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Michael Myers

You can’t go wrong with these slasher-movie classics. Plus, if you let your toddler carry a real knife, maybe the government will temporarily separate you and you can finally check out Nine Perfect Strangers.

Three of the six dogs from Paw Patrol

Although your child hasn’t gotten into this show yet, you assume it has most of the same problems as the Village People idea.


Ah, the open seas. Picture it. The freedom to sail wherever you want—to be whoever you want to be. There was a time when your life was like this. When the world was wide open, and you could chart your own course through the choppy, thrilling waters of your future while breathing deep the salty air of adventure and—oh, neat, your toddler just opened the door while you’re pooping.

Two adults and one very young person

Hey, there’s always next year.