Posted on r/AmItheAsshole by u/medusas_bf
Throwaway account because my girlfriend is on Reddit, and I don’t want her turning me into stone.
I (24M) live with my girlfriend, Medusa (20F). We were friends growing up but had lost touch after she became a priestess for Athena (∞F). About a month ago, though, Medusa came to my house sobbing, saying she’d been turned into a hideous green Gorgon after Athena caught her having sex with Poseidon (∞M) in Athena’s temple. I felt bad, so I let Medusa crash at my place—even though she’d turn me into a statue if I ever looked at her.
But one thing led to another, and now we’re in a relationship. I’ve been in love with this girl since I was twelve, so I’m super happy—even if I have to wear a blindfold to avoid literally being murdered by her objectively revolting appearance.
There’s just one problem: Medusa leaves her hair everywhere. And when I say hair, I mean snakes. And by everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE. Hundreds of slimy little serpents landing on the floor, in our bed, even in my food! Yesterday, I bit into something slick and scaly in my gyro—next thing I know, an Ottoman viper’s lunging at my face, hissing and splattering me with tzatziki sauce. Don’t even get me started on the shower drain—it’s ALWAYS clogged with writhing Balkan whip snakes drowning in shampoo water.
I’m constantly cleaning up her mess, and frankly, it’s disgusting. (And dangerous—did I mention I had to go to the ER twelve times last week!?) Medusa always laughs it off, saying she can’t control it. Admittedly, I’ve never lived with a woman/Gorgon before, so I don’t know if shedding this much hair/snakes is normal, but like how is she not bald by now?
Now, I know things have been rough for Medusa, and she’s still recovering from being turned into this… creature. But when I asked her to do a better job cleaning up her snakes, she threw a fit and said that women just leave hair/venomous serpents everywhere, and I need to deal with it. She said I don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, and here’s where I might be the AH: I said, “Well, you don’t either—last time I checked you were a hideous reptile monster.”
She was LIVID. Luckily, I was wearing my blindfold so she couldn’t stone-ify me, but I got the hell out of the house (tripping over several spitting Bosnian adders on the way out). I’ve locked myself in my car, where I’m typing this out. She’s texting me, saying she WILL turn me to stone if I ever bring up the snake thing again. But I think she’s overreacting, and I’m at my wit’s end. AITA?
UPDATE 1: Will everyone stop fixating on how I called Medusa hideous? I don’t actually think she’s hideous. I just wrote that for context. I’ve never actually seen her face.
UPDATE 2: For those of you who think they’re SO funny for suggesting I use one of Medusa’s hair-snakes as a drain snake to unclog the shower, kindly eff off. Yes, I see the irony. But I am past the point of humor.
UPDATE 3: OK, I GET IT! I’m the asshole! Stop telling me I deserve to be chained to a rock and have my liver eaten every day for eternity. You people don’t know the first thing about human-Gorgon relationships. I live every day in constant fear. Are you happy???
UPDATE 4: Oh, gods, she’s coming to the car…
UPDATE 5: Typing this while blindfolded in case she’s lurking somewhere… I’m seriously rethinking our relationship now. There are so many red flags I’d overlooked. For example, my house is filled with dozens of stone statues of Amazon delivery workers, mail carriers, and Girl Scouts, and she REFUSES to get rid of them!! I’ve made a huge mistake…
UPDATE 6: I’m safe now. My buddy Perseus let me crash with him. He’s even volunteered to go to my place to pick up my stuff. He says he’s bringing some kind of mirrored shield? I don’t care. I’m finally done. As long as he doesn’t bring back Medusa’s head, I’ll be OK.