Hello fellow citizens,

Given recent tensions regarding our police department, we have taken your words to heart and have begun to make internal changes to take this first major step forward. The issue with modern policing is that there is no one out there making sure the police don’t commit crimes. The police bravely roam the streets to make sure people don’t break the law, but who roams the streets to make sure the police don’t break the law? Until now, no one. But not anymore.

Today, we introduce to you our new initiative: The police police. They’re the police that police the police.

Gone are the days of unfair double standards holding the police to a higher moral ground than the rest of the population. Police will now be just like every other population: also watched by the police. Unless they’re in an affluent suburb, then we’ll just go there when they ask.

In the name of reform, we’ve tried extra training and adding body cameras. Now we’re doubling down on the institution that made this mess in the first place. Is this polluting more in the name of sustainability? Is this drinking more to feel less hungover? No, this is your tax dollars at work. We’re making a thicker blue line to hold back the thin blue one.

In my mind and my heart, I know that the overwhelming majority of cops are good, fair, and courageous. So we’re adding more of them to dilute the bad ones. You know what they say to do about bad apples: buy even more apples.

From this day forward, every police officer will be escorted by another police police officer when on duty. Concerned about having the worst guy from your high school armed, biased, and jumpy? Now he can be babysat by the worst guy in your high school’s best buddy.

You may be asking: Don’t the police already work in pairs? Good question. Now they will work in quads. How will they all fit in a standard four-door police car if they need to book a criminal? Fair point. One of the criminals will sit in the small middle seat in the back, and if there are more, they can just put them in the trunk or have them all squish in if it’s a short drive. The one who read the Miranda rights gets shotgun.

When you call the police, you’ll be asked whether you need the police or the police police. To make things less confusing, we’ve also started a direct line to the police police: 9-1-1-1. Call this number and even more police will show up to watch the police who are already there.

Some constituents may be worried about police-on-police violence. So are we. That’s why we require even more government funding to train and dispatch our own police police police to do community outreach within the police to create a healthy relationship between the police and the police police.

To ensure the safety of the police police police, we are also creating the Police Police Police Police Department to enforce the efficacy of the Police Police Police, Police Police, and Police Departments. And to make sure that the district attorney does their job and brings cases against misbehaving police police police police, police police police, police police, and police we also instituted a district attorney attorney and district attorney attorney attorney to keep the system in check.

And for those who are concerned about this plan seeming like the logistical equivalent of a white person texting a Black acquaintance in the summer 2020 to apologize for having sung along the n-word in a rap song, and it’s doing more to ease our conscience than actually helping the people it was intended to help, to that I say: we’re out of ideas and we just want to keep our funding.

Thank you for the continued support of the department and our mission.

Remarks by Herbert Derby,
Chief of Police Police Police Police Police Police Police Police Police Police Police