“Prosecutors have asserted that one of the officers on trial, Justin A. Volpe, shoved part of a broken broomstick into Abner Louima’s rectum at the police station house where he was taken after being arrested. But Mr. Volpe’s lawyer, Marvyn M. Kornberg, suggested during opening statements on Tuesday that Mr. Louima’s injuries could have been caused by his having sex with a man…” — New York Times, May 7, 1999

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Alternative Theory #2: A Strong Wind
The litigant’s injuries occurred when an object was blown into his rectum by a fierce wind. Just as tornados have been known to embed straw in the trunks of trees, or force chickens unharmed into jugs, a localized, extremely powerful disturbance — what meterologists call a “microburst” — easily could have launched a plunger, broomstick, or what-have-you into the rear-end of Mr. Louima. Whether this was consensual or not is a question only he can answer.

Alternative Theory #3: Accidental
The litigant slipped on soap in the shower. Such accidents are embarrassing, but hardly uncommon. Means: a back-scrubber. Motive: clumsiness. Opportunity: bathtime. Case closed.

Alternative Theory #4: Voodoun
It is well known that many Haitians practice “voodoun,” a religion believed to have been brought to the Western Hemisphere from Africa. Who is to say that Mr. Louima’s injuries are not the result of some frenzied, unholy ritual? Or that they did not occur when one of the litigant’s many enemies created a doll in his likeness, the buttocks of which were then jabbed repeatedly with a sharp pin?

(Please note: As unwholesome as Mr. Louima’s practices may seem to us, let us remember that they are protected by our country’s First Amendment.)

Alternative Theory #5: Self-inflicted
The litigant was using a stick to retrieve something he had inserted in himself earlier for safekeeping — his car keys, for example, or a valuable family heirloom — and lost his grip. While this may seem farfetched, we do well to remember that the precise circumstances which led to Mr. Louima’s injuries are limited only by the human imagination, while the prosecution would have us believe that just one truth — THEIR truth — is the only truth. Perhaps it is Mr. Louima who has behaved irresponsibly, not Officer Volpe. Perhaps it is Mr. Louima, a guest in our country, who is forcing the wooden stick of false accusations up Officer Volpe’s metaphorical heinie.

Alternative Theory #6: Amadou Diallo
Amadou Diallo caused the injuries to the litigant during overly-vigorous albeit consensual sex. An outraged Mr. Louima responded by shooting at him 41 times, 19 of which struck home. A crime of passion, plain and simple.