So let’s talk about virginity. Virginity is fine. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with virginity. Virginity is just something you haven’t done yet, and there are a lot of things we never get to do, right?

It’s like never having tasted lobster. “You’ve never tried lobster? Oh, you’ve got to try it! It’s the best thing ever!” But of course you can live your whole life without ever trying lobster and still be fulfilled. After all, there are plenty of other delicacies on the menu. Snails can be quite nice, though obviously not for everyone. And, who knows, maybe lobster’s not for you. It’s hard work, it’s really messy, the juices get everywhere. And what parts do you eat? “Seriously, you’re going to eat that? You’re kidding, right?” Not to mention the strong possibility of getting a rash.

Or it’s like jumping out of a plane. Is your life lacking in any way for not having done it? Yes, there’s the thrill, like nothing you’ve experienced before, especially the first couple of times—all the screaming and thrashing about. You want to do it over and over, and at first the pilot is happy to take you up. But then you notice that the pilot never actually initiates the offer. It’s always you who has to ask. And is that a certain begrudgingness on the pilot’s part that wasn’t there before, as if to say, “How come I never get to jump”? Before you know it, you can’t even get lift-off anymore…

Or maybe it’s like sneezing. Build up, build up, build up, then, bam! It’s over and you need a tissue. Sure, it can provide relief, but have you ever had to sneeze and it just won’t come? So frustrating. It happens more often than you think, and you can say it’s because you’re tired only so many times before you’re forced to acknowledge that there’s something seriously wrong with your sneezy parts. Plus you can’t do it with your eyes open, and you make weird faces. And why do you keep sneezing in the first place? Are you sick? Are there cats involved?

Wait, no, it’s like Christmas and there’s a big box under the tree for you. All you can think about is that box. You can’t stop staring at that box. That box is the greatest thing in the world. Finally, after endless anticipation, you open the box, and it’s like, “Oh my God, what is that? How do I possibly operate this? What’s that for? Good lord, will that even fit? I don’t want it! Take it back, take it back!” And your Christmas is ruined, Christmas is ruined for everyone, and you can never quite enjoy Christmas again. You hate Christmas! You never want to have Christmas again, certainly not LIKE THAT!

Maybe virginity is a voice mail you don’t have to leave explaining all the uncontrollable weeping.

No, I have it! Virginity is never having to say you’re sorry for the horrifying noises that—sweet Jesus!—did that just came out of my body!

Oh my…

I guess that’s it for today. Next time we’ll talk about how STDs are like the inside of a college freshman’s fridge.