We wanted to address the controversy about our recently leaked majority opinion to overturn Roe v. Wade.
A lot of folks have been taking to social media and talk shows to discuss how this leak will cause dissent in the court, inspire riots in the public square, and threaten the future of our institution.
Well, that may be so, but if we didn’t want a decision to come into the world at this moment, we should have abstained from writing it in the first place.
Abstinence is the only true way to stop a majority opinion from being leaked to the press. But did we let that stop us? No, we gave in to our base desires and wrote as if there would be no consequences.
Some commentators have called this leak a “violation.” But that’s really on us for dressing the opinion up so much and giving it those sexy citations. We should have covered it in encryption software and locked it away until it was ready for a permanent marriage to the American people.
Besides, if it was a legitimate violation, the system has a way of just shutting that sort of thing down. This majority opinion obviously wanted what it got.
Some of our more experienced judges begged us to use protection. They tried to offer us firewall technology, blockchain resources, or even a SimpliSafe membership. But without proper education, judges aren’t going to make use of those options. Instead, we’re going to raw dog it and write on an outdated Microsoft Word file in broad daylight, then send it bcc over Outlook with a subject like TOP SECRET DOCUMENT.
If we pass our majority opinion around like a popsicle and let everyone have a lick, we really can’t complain when someone takes advantage of it. Also, we should come clean and say a few of us had been drinking the day the majority opinion got leaked. Some of us famously like beer. That’s on us. We chose to lower our inhibitions, and we deserve to face the consequences.
Speaking of consequences, this security breach will almost certainly harm the court’s legitimacy. It will affect our relationships with each other and the people around us. It may make us and our families less stable. It will cost us financially, as we pay for security at home and in public. It will likely have a lasting impact on how we live our daily lives.
With those stakes in mind, there’s a world in which we could, say, abort this majority opinion. We could change our minds about forcing someone to give their body’s organs over to the state after someone else committed a crime against them.
But that’s not how mistakes work. Mistakes are meant to follow you around for the rest of your life and re-traumatize you as much as possible (with the obvious exception of two male members of this court).
And so we stand before you with our unwanted child, this leaked majority opinion, and humbly demand you adopt it.
Our bad that it exists, but it’s your problem now.