“Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp on Tuesday signed into law a so-called “heartbeat” bill, banning abortion as early as six weeks into pregnancy… The bill prohibits abortion once a fetal heartbeat can be detected. But reproductive rights advocates and doctors say the law, which prohibits abortion before many women know they are pregnant, amounts to a near-total ban on the procedure.” — Vox, 5/7/19

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Hey gals, your friendly male governor here. My staff and I have been hearing a ton of hysterical (and frankly shrill) reactions to the bill I just signed, so I thought I’d clear the air about something. This is not a “backdoor ban” on abortion. This is not a “forced pregnancy” bill. Abortion is still completely legal! The women of this beautiful state will have access to safe, legal abortion whenever they need, as long as it happens in a sensible timeframe: between conception and the end of this current sentence.

No one is trying to take away your reproductive rights. This bill simply applies a few basic, common-sense restrictions. Most people would agree there should be some limits on when abortions can happen. The heartbeat delineates as reasonable a boundary as any. Once an embryo has been conceived, you have the span of one heartbeat to terminate your pregnancy. After that thump-thump has elapsed? Whoopsy daisy! Either carry the pregnancy to term, or you’re on the hook for straight-up murder.

Oh, a quick side note: try not to have a miscarriage, because that’s actually second-degree murder now. Honest mistake — we put that in there for our own enjoyment and then forgot to take it out, haha! That’s probably how some of you got knocked up in the first place, am I right? Man, I’m on fire today. Also, if your baby is born healthy but crying, that’s a $50,000 fine.

What’s important to remember here is that you still have full control over your own body. If you find yourself pregnant, you have total liberty to choose what happens next. Yes, the choice to have an abortion expired while I was talking, but that was your decision to continue listening. Not much I could have done about that. I respect a woman’s right to choose.

Some of you have complained that three seconds isn’t enough time to drive to an abortion provider, let alone have the procedure. I confess I wouldn’t know anything about that. As a God-fearing Christian family man, I have no personal experience with abortions. If my former office coordinator, Kimberly, comes crawling out of the woodwork to tell you something different, you should know that she is a compulsive liar, and/or has been paid off by my political opponent.

On a personal note, I resent the accusations that I and the distinguished legislators who wrote this bill lack a basic understanding of women’s bodies. Let me ask you this: would someone who didn’t understand women’s bodies be able to exploit their subtleties and ambiguities this effectively? Believe me, I know what I’m doing. I bet I’m more of an expert on women’s bodies than some of you gals. How many of you have written even one law regulating your reproductive system? That’s what I thought. I’ve written, like, a million. It’s literally all I think about.

I hope I’ve laid this particular wave of lady-panic to rest. Can we put away the fainting couches? Anybody need a hysterectomy? Haha! But seriously, under this new bill, if you have your uterus taken out for any reason you’re looking at 10-15 years of jail time. (This is based on a scientific medical finding that your womb belongs to the Lord.) So everybody just chill out, relax, and continue enjoying the unparalleled freedoms America has to offer. You have three seconds.