Hey, what’s up, everyone? “The man” says my name is Robert, but my buddies call me Beto. I’m the dorm’s resident advisor, which I guess makes this the first episode of Beto in Charge.
No? Guess you guys are too young to catch that one.
Mind if I turn around and straddle this chair while we rap? I’ve got to read aloud the dorm rules — but, wait, wouldn’t it be hilarious if I played Pavement during it, as an up-yours to the administration? Hold on, you’ve got to listen to this B-side of “Summer Babe” before I start.
All right, I’m about to go into Principal Beto mode here — ironic, considering how many times I was sent to the principal’s office when I was a teen. So, no booze in the dorms… but, man, my eyesight’s really bad, so there’s a decent chance I wouldn’t notice if you were chilling with a PBR or six. “The chronic” — also off-limits, but if it’s around, let’s say, 4:20 p.m., I’ve got a terrible sense of smell, too, and my other nickname in high school was “O’Toke.”
Anything harder, though, and that’s just not cool with me. Sorry. Lost too many friends.
“Let’s talk about sex, baby…” You must know that, right? Dudes, one word: consent. It’s hot. Ladies: if you’re having problems with a guy who’s vague about what he really wants, I’ll help you get into his head and decode his texts. And if you don’t define yourself by normative labels, it’s so awesome you’re living your truth, and I’ll definitely hook you up with another advisor who’s also your thing.
Oh, hey, man, cop a squat, we just started. Sweet board — what is that, a 7.5? Let’s talk after.
The academic fair is tomorrow, but, honestly — and this is five and a half years of college experience talking — the real learning is in the bull sessions, staying up late talkin’ Bob Dylan and Robert Altman and… oh, wow, I was about to say Robert Frost, and it’s like, “Hey, Beto, fetishize paradigm-shifting white male artists named Robert much?” It’s so funny I listed those guys, because what I’m mostly into these days is examining the roots of intersectional feminism in Beyoncé.
One nugget of advice: junior year abroad, Barthelona.
Anything else, don’t hesitate to slide into my DMs on the ‘Gram. And if you want to ditch the lame freshman mixer tonight, I’ll be in the basement common room with a bunch of pizzas from Antonio’s, hosting a Jim Jarmusch marathon with ongoing commentary.
Super, super stoked to hang with you all. I can already tell you guys are way more awesome than my class. This is gonna be the best year.