Three songs, Jonelle? Was the traditional one-song dedication not enough to properly capture your devotion to Rob? You apparently needed not only Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” and Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes,” but you had to throw Bryan Adams’ “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You” into the mix as well? It is this final tune that makes it clear that your relationship to Rob can’t possibly equal the importance you’ve assigned to it.

Suggesting that “everything you do” is for Rob diminishes your personal achievements, Jonelle. It also elevates the many mundane activities you do, such as sorting socks or recycling, into the category of DYING for someone. That’s what that song is talking about, Jonelle. Did you realize that? In the 1990 movie Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Robin Hood, as played by Kevin Costner, is ready to perish for his lady love, Maid Marian. And I’m willing to bet that if I were to track down this Rob and offer him 65 Canadian dollars never to see you again, he’d take it. The exchange rate is quite high right now. That doesn’t sound like the type of guy who’d appreciate your being ready to take an arrow through a lung for him, does it, Jonelle?

I can appreciate the fact that these three songs reflect three specific romantic movie scenes. However, as we’ve discussed, neither you nor Rob could possibly compare to the medieval gallantry of Robin of Locksley. Nor can you compete with the animal crackers scene in Armageddon where Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler tenderly share their last few moments before he goes off on a scientifically implausible mission to save the Earth from obliteration by an asteroid. And it’s highly doubtful Rob would stand under your window with a boom box, a la John Cusack in Say Anything.

No one even has boom boxes anymore, Jonelle.

Was Rob even listening, do you think? I would guess that he was not, as it was fairly late on a “Spring Ahead” Daylight saving night (he would have needed his sleep) and it was on the “Bedtime Magic” program on 106.7 FM. My guess is that Rob is more of a sports talk radio kind of guy. Therefore, it seems your tortured need for romantic approval served only to perplex and dismay those of us that really know the value of radio dedications. You get one song. And that song should acknowledge the fleeting nature of love, while recognizing that dedicator and dedicatee have made some type of connection that they’d like to briefly commemorate.

Jonelle, if you insist on airing your passionate dysfunction for all radio listeners to hear, might I suggest a little something more moderated, something a little more cognizant of the reality of romance? Try “True Love Will Find You in the End” by Daniel Johnston. It’s earnest, more than a little troubling, and yet still hopeful. IT’S JUST LIKE LOVE. You also would be doing a good thing, from a royalties’ perspective, as it doesn’t get a lot of radio play.

So, please, enough with the obscene displays of devotion, Jonelle. You’ve made mockeries of us all.

Erin Ayers