Dear Sonicare Electric Toothbrush,

I admit, I was always skeptical of your much-heralded tooth-cleansing prowess. But when you arrived as a present from my father and he gave you such a glowing recommendation, I too was pulled into your vibrating web of deception. Perhaps I was lulled into complacency by your comforting hum. Or perhaps my confidence in you was inspired by the cool glow of your green charging light, or by your little pacer beeps, which told me, the ignorant human, when to switch tooth surfaces.

Regardless of the source of my falsely placed trust, today I found out I have two new cavities. Where were you when this was going on? What were you up to while you were in my mouth for two minutes three times a day? Obviously, you can’t be trusted with this level of responsibility. You and your $10 replacement brushes are hereby demoted to electric grout scrubber. I’ll think fondly of that as I’m getting drugged up and drilled out two weeks from now.


John Whitehead
Dearborn, MI