Dear Officials of the United States Government,

I thought I would just get in touch and let you know what is going on in my reproductive system and general private area lately. You seem really interested, and I wouldn’t want to put you to the trouble of subpoenaing my medical records just to find out what’s happening in my uterus.

It’s summer, so I’m getting my bikini line waxed more frequently. (Ouch!) I had a little urinary-tract infection a while ago, but that seems to have cleared up. Cranberry juice is really something, especially when you’re uninsured and can’t see the doctor to check out every little searing, stabbing pain. And did you know that yogurt cures yeast infections? If only it cured AIDS, we could patent it and then withhold it from Third World nations.

My last period started on the 8th and ended on the 13th. I think right now I’m ovulating. You know those little midcycle twinges you can get around ovulation? I felt one yesterday. President Bush, Attorney General Ashcroft, I am very pleased to be writing to you at my monthly pinnacle of fertility. The lining of my uterus is thickening, and a mature ovum expectantly awaits fertilization in my fallopian tube. It is a very beautiful time, and this month it is concurrent with the new moon. As the moon waxes, it will gently pull the tide of my menses from me, culminating in my next menstrual period, which I expect to begin on the 6th of next month.

I know it might be hard to believe, but some guys think a woman’s natural cycles and secretions are “yucky.” Some guys are too squeamish to pick up a box of tampons at the drugstore if you ask them to. The first lady is lucky to have a partner like you, Mr. President, a person who wishes to be intimately involved not only in his wife’s reproductive system but in those of all the other women in America as well.

This is why if I ever get accidentally pregnant, you guys will be the first people I call. We’ll all figure it out together, just me, my government, and that man in the polo shirt who hangs out outside my gynecologist’s office holding the sign with the fake bloody fetus on it.

May God continue to bless America, and my uterus.

Emily Weinstein