Dear Straight Couples,
I hope you’re holding up okay. If you’re receiving this letter, it’s because you have been quarantining with your significant other. I’m so happy you can find comfort in another during these unprecedented times. However, it’s recently come to my attention that you’d only gone on three dates before the lockdown — four, if you include the quickie you had at Sweet Green. It’s okay; we’ve all been there. To understand the context of this letter, we need to go back in time.
It was March 6th. You two had just hit it off. Sparks were fucking flying. Your mutual love of Imogen Heap’s Tiny Desk concert was a chef’s kiss. You clinked glasses over tapas, stared into each other’s souls, and knew this one was for real. Orrrr at least you hoped it’d last another date. Then gasp the lockdown happened and you were forced with the unthinkable decision: self-isolate alone or move in with bae. You made the decision incredibly fast, and you decided on the latter.
Straight couples, I have news for you: Congrats. You’re officially a lesbian couple now. How do I know? Because I’m a lesbian. I know a lesbian when I see one. I can spot the beginnings of an undercut from a mile away.
Now before you besmudge my argument, I’ve spoken to a lot of reliable sources, and they all agree with me. By reliable, I mean my bike mechanic, Dharma, and my therapist, Eileen. Both lesbians. They both coincidentally have borzois too — a dog for lesbians, which you’ll soon discover.
Let’s look at the facts. You moved in while hardly knowing each other, or as we like to call it, “U-Hauling.” You recently took a deep dive into a compatibility app that compares your astrological charts. You know who else compares their star charts? Lesbians. And don’t even get me started on the fact that you fled the city to live upstate (Beacon, to be exact) in a cabin. Our bodies ache for the smell of sap and flannel.
But have no fear! I’m going to guide you into your newfound dykedom. For starters, you’ll need a sourdough kit. Oh, you already have one? I’m not surprised.
Besides the itch to never separate, here are a few more things to expect:
- 1. People might mistake you for siblings. Wink at them and then kiss.
- 2. You’ll accidentally dress alike. Go with it.
- 3. Communicating is great. Over-communicating is a necessity.
- 4. You may find yourself obsessing over Rachel Weisz. I’d start with Disobedience.
- 5. Did I mention borzoi’s will suddenly become the cutest dog?
I understand this is a lot to take in, but I have faith you’ll buckle up those Birkenstocks in no time. Consider this your welcome letter. Your “starter kit” will soon follow with a carabiner, a magnet of Vermont, a neon pothos, a copy of Sister Outsider, and nail clippers.
Why am I sticking my nose in your business? Because I wish someone had stuck their nose in my business! I didn’t come out until I was twenty-three! It’d been much easier if someone had written to me and said, “Hey babe, you’re a lesbian” and explain about the borzois.
Don’t be scared. Being a lesbian is very fun. We’re sturdy, have great hygiene, and love to gaze into each other’s eyes. Not to mention, lesbian couples are known for accomplishing great feats. You’ll be the Lily (Tomlin) to his or her Jane (Wagner).
The point is there’s no other way to spin it. You’re here. You’re basically queer. Get used to it.
Your Lesbian Guide,
P.S. If you decide to break up post quar, please, for the love of Grace and Frankie, do NOT keep living together. You will not be “best friends.” You will be exes.