SUBJECT: Please Help, My Mommy® of Two Years Malfunctioning?
ATTN: Customer Service Representative

I am writing to you seeking assistance with a problem I have run into with my Mommy®. When I first received her, I was immediately pleased with the model. The first year or so she worked great. She was attentive. She satisfied my needs at the proper intervals and rarely caused me any grief. However, over the last year, I’ve noticed incremental changes in her quality.

For example, she used to jump to rescue me from my glorified prison whenever I whimpered and we’d retire to her room until morning. Now I receive a stern “Go back to sleep!” yelled from somewhere in the darkness. I understand that routine use of the big bed is an introductory offer, but I thought that was automatically extended until year three? Did I misunderstand the contract?

I’ve also noticed an increasing lag in my Mommy’s® responsiveness during daylight hours. Whereas before a tearful shriek would invoke an immediate response and impressive checklist of possible solutions including snacks, cuddles, and various funny faces intended to make me laugh, now she only sighs and rolls her eyes at me when I throw myself on the floor. In fact, there seems to be an inverse relationship between her level of concern and the caliber of my dramatic performance. Have you found this to be a common problem with continued use? I will continue to repeat these performances at shorter intervals for the time being, just in case.

My Mommy’s® translation feature is increasingly glitchy. She will ask me questions like, “Are you ready to wash your hair?” and I’ll always say, “No,” but somehow I end up with a face full of tear-free shampoo every time. It’s very frustrating. I’ve lost days of cereal encrusted hair and painstakingly applied marker tattoos due to this issue. It seems to be more of a problem with understanding my negative responses, which is curious. I haven’t once answered affirmatively about wanting a diaper change, yet they continue to happen despite my refusal. She also seems to have trouble inferring what two-minute Elmo song I want at any one time, though I provide her with plenty of instruction. “MOMO!” accompanied by frenzied indiscriminate pointing should be plenty, I’m sure. I anxiously await any information you may have about automatic updates that might remedy this translation issue.

All of the aforementioned problems are bothersome, but most concerning to me is this: as I discover new and exciting things, I prefer to fully immerse myself in them, and this Mommy® seems to struggle with the concept of repetition. I know this Mommy® was rated highly for her adherence to routine — she has never once faltered at making coffee at dawn or declaring “BEDTIME” at precisely 7 PM, so then why does she seem to tire of Baby Shark after the tenth or eleventh viewing? Obviously, this is an issue on the part of the manufacturer since it is an undeniable fact that the song slaps.

I’m aware that due to the current crisis, the quality of several Mommies® has slightly diminished due to their newly limited capacity to recharge. I would suggest you use this challenging time as an opportunity to expand your research and development to improve the Mommy®. I would be happy to provide a well-researched list of ideas I’ve been working on, including the eradication of some of the Mommy’s® most hurtful phrases like, “Just a minute,” “You need to wait,” and “Don’t eat that.” Just let me know.

I know you’re receiving an uptick in customer service requests, so I understand if your response is slightly delayed. Please note, due to the importance of this matter, if I don’t receive a confirmation in the first two minutes, I will continue to send additional copies of this message with an ever-increasing number of capital letters.

I hope you can assist me in remedying the issues present in my Mommy® in the near future.