One Week
- Stares at bright objects on Netflix, Hulu, Pornhub
- Can detect black and white patterns in Trump’s presidential briefings
- Lifts head momentarily, forms a tight seal around boxed-wine nozzle while suckling
- Understands two words: “Carole” and “Baskin”
Two-Three Weeks
- Learns to smile/laugh at bare pantry shelves
- Ready for solids but not brave enough to visit Trader Joe’s
- Bears weight on hind legs when DoorDash arrives
- Anxiety toward strangers, TikTok dances, Beatles-singing celebrities
Four-Five Weeks
- Makes gurgling and cooing sounds while muted on Zoom
- Rolls over without help and does double WFH load than higher-paid senior-level colleagues
- Learns name can be changed to “Reconnecting…” once video camera is disabled
- Plays with hands and feet and gets mesmerized
Six-Seven Weeks
- Recognizes FaceTimes from old friends for what they really are: veiled pleas for toilet paper
- Grasps objects/dwindling 12-pack of Charmin/grim reality of situation
- May sit momentarily without support
- Can be calmed by parent’s voice but opts for toiletry-depleted rage
Eight-Nine Weeks
- Cries for wants and needs
- May start crawling toward a newfound sense of entitlement
- Understands object permanence, but it’s been months so maybe the virus isn’t there?
- Mimics social behavior of others, RTs “At what point did flattening the curve become waiting for a cure?”
Ten-Eleven Weeks
- Able to follow simple instruction yet misinterprets Phase One reopening for own benefit
- Uses two-finger pincer grasp to down shots at friend’s Memorial Day BBQ
- Half of speech is understandable, holds on to furniture while walking
- Expresses desire to be picked up
Twelve Weeks
- Can point to and name up to six inflamed body parts