One Week

- Stares at bright objects on Netflix, Hulu, Pornhub

- Can detect black and white patterns in Trump’s presidential briefings

- Lifts head momentarily, forms a tight seal around boxed-wine nozzle while suckling

- Understands two words: “Carole” and “Baskin”

Two-Three Weeks

- Learns to smile/laugh at bare pantry shelves

- Ready for solids but not brave enough to visit Trader Joe’s

- Bears weight on hind legs when DoorDash arrives

- Anxiety toward strangers, TikTok dances, Beatles-singing celebrities

Four-Five Weeks

- Makes gurgling and cooing sounds while muted on Zoom

- Rolls over without help and does double WFH load than higher-paid senior-level colleagues

- Learns name can be changed to “Reconnecting…” once video camera is disabled

- Plays with hands and feet and gets mesmerized

Six-Seven Weeks

- Recognizes FaceTimes from old friends for what they really are: veiled pleas for toilet paper

- Grasps objects/dwindling 12-pack of Charmin/grim reality of situation

- May sit momentarily without support

- Can be calmed by parent’s voice but opts for toiletry-depleted rage

Eight-Nine Weeks

- Cries for wants and needs

- May start crawling toward a newfound sense of entitlement

- Understands object permanence, but it’s been months so maybe the virus isn’t there?

- Mimics social behavior of others, RTs “At what point did flattening the curve become waiting for a cure?”

Ten-Eleven Weeks

- Able to follow simple instruction yet misinterprets Phase One reopening for own benefit

- Uses two-finger pincer grasp to down shots at friend’s Memorial Day BBQ

- Half of speech is understandable, holds on to furniture while walking

- Expresses desire to be picked up

Twelve Weeks

- Can point to and name up to six inflamed body parts