Dear Person on the Internet,

Congratulations! You did it! You succeeded! Your unwarranted screaming via caps lock, profanity-ridden diatribe hurled at me on an article I tagged a friend in really helped me figure out that I was in the wrong. You were right.

I see you, thousands of you, lurking in every corner of the Internet primed and ready to fight everything that you possibly can. Your exchanges between others who are also lurking, but are usually there for enjoyment, are greatly appreciated. It is especially liked when you pull random items together to try and insult people, for example: “Kittens? Who the fuck likes kittens? Probably the same assholes who enjoy eating crackers and drinking juice for an afternoon snack. MORONS!”

I don’t believe all the people who are like that are actually bridge dwellers, like they are so aptly named, but I do believe that they could probably use a hug. Maybe some crackers and juice to help ease the inner turmoil in their tummy. Yet they continue on their crusade to berate and undermine anyone with a different opinion.

Now, make no mistake about it, if I’m in the wrong and you have facts to prove it, I appreciate it being pointed out to me. A blow to the ego is better than living ignorantly. However, if I comment on a post about putting peanut butter on the bread first or jelly, and I write peanut butter, there is no reason for you to tell me that I am what is wrong with our country. That it is my generation and the way we think, act, and spend that is the downfall for humanity. Did you hear me?! If only I decided to put jelly first then I wouldn’t be responsible for all of the wrong in the world.

If on a fun post that asks who was my first celebrity crush, when I answer Frankie Muniz, maybe don’t attack me about conspiracy theories, and which country is colluding with which that day. Now is not the time nor place. Let my love for Frankie Muniz remain as pure as the driven snow. I don’t need your car tires dragging tracks of shit through it. I will not click on the link you reply with that talks about how (insert: whoever is currently hated the most in the country on any given day) was actually at the helm of the Mayflower and IF I WOULD JUST OPEN MY EYES I could see it; but, alas, my eyes will remain shut to your rant. They will stay focused on Frankie’s ice blue eyes and a time when life was lived more easily, with less people telling you every idea you have is wrong because it does not agree with their beliefs.

You keep trucking on though, dude, and keep replying. Someone, somewhere out there will be persuaded when you call them worthless because they believe in stupid things like science and proven data. They will click on the link to your blog where they can read every entry you make all the way from the Mayflower post right down to the list of items and ideas you have deemed acceptable. You will make a difference. You will convince someone that you’re screaming at on an unrelated topic that, oh shit, their entire life is a lie and all it took was someone on the Internet with no friends or pictures to make them realize that they don’t know anything. It will be a sad day for them, but it will be the victory you have been striving for since you made your first fake account on some Internet forum with the intent of just being a ladle to stir a shit pot. Here is your shiny, Internet medal. You did it! You won!

Person On the Internet You Like Fighting With