“Supporters of Sean Hannity say they are boycotting Keurig — with some even smashing their coffee makers — after the company said it would pull one of its ads from Hannity’s show based on his support for Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore.” – The Boston Globe, 11/13/17

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First off, let me be very clear. I am a machine that makes what is already an incredibly easy beverage-making process, somehow, even easier. That is all. Keurigs do not usually inspire strong opinions. My coffee is weak; my clientele is weaker. Not ruffling any feathers is why your office manager did not purchase an espresso machine; Heidi purchased a Keurig.

So, I was shocked to find out that Keurig was taking a divisive stance on anything. But there are no longer advertisements of me on Hannity because of the show’s defense of a pedophile. And pulling my advertisements upset the viewers, my customers. To which I say, what the stupid crap? How is this the issue that makes me divisive?

And yet, somehow, this has apparently been wonderful for me?? Pedophile-sympathizers everywhere are now buying 50 of me at a time so that they can “troll libs.” How?? Are the trolls smashing Keurigs out of protest, or because they could not figure out how to operate me, got frustrated, called me a snowflake, and threw me over their balcony? Where am I?

And at the same time, I am “woke” now. Which is, again, perplexing! Since when is the low standard of being against pedophilia “woke”? I’ve never met a post-industrial kitchen appliance that was for pedophilia, much less proud of being against it. What the damn shit?

But getting both opponents and supporters of a divisive issue to somehow support my brand is, astoundingly, efficient and clean. Just like a Keurig. So somehow, condemning pedophilia was also on-brand? What the godforsaken, living hell?

What is next? Buy a warehouse of Magic Bullets for their support — and your opposition to their support of — the troops? Purchase a minority shareholder in Pixar-character-themed waffle irons because they condemn cannibalism, out of protest? Goddamnit?? When will this perverted, virtue-signaling demon of consumerism put us out of our highly-profitable misery?

To clarify, I took a political stand against pedophiles (?) and the opponents to that stance (??) bought Keurigs en masse to send a message (???) and I still look like a good guy (!!!!). To which I say, if this is my hill to die upon — the hill where I condemn pedophilia and still make a fortune — then so be it. Great. But still, what the death? Stick a pod of Papa John’s garlic sauce in me, close the top, and press BREW.