To Whom It May Concern:

That’s not a purse; it’s a diaper bag. I’ll admit, it looks a little bit purse-esque. It’s got a handbag-iness about it. As swiftly and stealthily as you were able to steal it, I imagine you didn’t have much opportunity to discern whether it was a purse (which it’s not) or a diaper bag (which it is), but trust me on this one.

Those aren’t hundred-dollar bills; they’re diapers. You can’t take them into a place of business and exchange them for goods or services. That said, if through some twist of fate, a catastrophic economic crash coincides with a worldwide diaper-shortage, I suppose you’ll be laughing all the way to the diaper-bank.

Those aren’t car keys; they’re plastic toy keys. They don’t belong to a Cadillac or a Lexus. They don’t even belong to a Kia, because they’re not car keys. They’re barely even keys at all. Try all you want, but you won’t be able to unlock a car door with them. You won’t be able to start an engine with them. Best-case scenario: If you find a four-month-old driving a car, you can distract him or her with them long enough to steal his or her car.

That’s not a cell-phone; it’s a burp-cloth. You can’t make or receive calls with it. It doesn’t have a built-in camera. You can’t install that one Black Eyed Peas song on it as a ringtone. Trying to talk to someone with it will only make the side of your face smell like sour breast milk. On the bright side, it’s got free nights and weekends and no roaming charges.

That’s not jewelry; it’s a plastic grocery bag full of poopy diapers. You can’t pawn them, and if you give them as a gift to your girlfriend, she almost definitely won’t think you’re thoughtful or considerate or romantic. In fact, she’ll probably break up with you. On the other hand, if she does think you’re thoughtful or considerate or romantic, you might want to think about breaking up with her. Or marrying her.

Matthew Tobey