1. Cut off the bottom of an empty, clean sunscreen bottle. Fill it with bees. Every idiot knows the phone-in-the-sunscreen-bottle trick.

2. Under the cover of darkness, bury a combination safe in the shallow waters. Now you have a no-fuss, hidden spot for your wallet and keys that you can access at low tide.

3. Petition the town until they grant an ordinance that makes everyone who earns less than $40,000 a year wear a sign around their neck that says PEASANT.

4. Trust no one.

5. Place a circle of live landmines under the sand around your family’s beach blanket. Remember to mark each mine with a colorful umbrella toothpick so your children know where not to step.

6. Train a pack of guard wolves.

7. If you’ve forgotten to leave your rings at home, swallow them. Better they’re inside you than on the fingers of the dishonest human filth that frequents public beaches.

8. Not one of us is safe.

9. Program your iPhone to burst into flames at the first incorrect password attempt. After all, iPhones can always be replaced.