Hey, girl. I see you on the trails at 5 AM, running for that beach body. Let me let you in on a little secret. There are really only two steps to getting a beach body: 1. Have a body; 2. Go to the beach.
I know what you’re thinking, Poseidon, I’ve been stress-eating this entire pandemic. Poseidon, I haven’t been to the gym since February 2020. Poseidon, when I look into your eyes, I see the soul of every terror-stricken sailor you dragged into a watery grave after Zeus’s betrayal during the Titanomachy. And I just want to remind you: When you show up to the beach, you show up for yourself.
Unlike all these corporations using body positivity to get your money, I believe in representation because it’s the right thing to do, so whether you’re Black, white, a virgin, queer, non-binary, a virgin, a person with a disability, a person living with mental illness, or a person saving herself for marriage, I want to see your pure, unsullied body back on the beach this summer.
Maybe you’re saying to yourself, Poseidon, I wasn’t comfortable with my body before the pandemic. Poseidon, I could never wear a bikini like other girls. Poseidon, the last time a woman got more attention than you, you smashed the ground with your triton and created rivers. I get it, I do. Please know that the longer you stayed away from the beach during quarantine, the more I learned to listen to you. And the conversations that I had truly shocked me.
Ladies, 70% of you don’t feel represented in media and advertising, and, apparently, 100% of you are super anti-beach/ocean right now. Based on those numbers, I’m launching Project #SEEN, an all-new Instagram photo project that features #REALWOMEN breaking real beauty stereotypes by showing off their beach bodies while standing atop precarious, sea-moss-covered rocks and disappearing sand belts.
I know you’re probably saying to yourself, Poseidon, I’m not photogenic. Poseidon, representation of bodies does not necessarily translate to real systemic change. Poseidon, was that you in that video commanding a pair of hippocamps to stomp a little girl’s sandcastle with the front halves of their bodies? That’s why Project #SEEN wants to see you, #TheREALYOU, on the beach, without makeup, out of earshot from your sluttier friends.
To all of you struggling with your body image today, I want to encourage you to step into the sun, step onto the sand, snap a selfie, and connect with something greater and bigger than yourself. By bigger than yourself, I, of course, specifically and only mean the cold and unforgiving ocean and not a community of friends that can accompany you into the ocean.
I want you to #TREATYOURSELF to a light lunch and a full bottle of Chardonnay before heading to a cliff over the water’s edge for pictures. Cliffs are really good for empowered-looking pictures, especially in the wind.
I want to see you show up to the beach with your abstinence-based church group and then just sort of slowly wander off away from everyone else later in the evening.
Because Project #SEEN is here to help you become the best virgin of you that you can be, and this summer every woman’s body is a beach body.
If you’re a mom, get your wanton ass off of my beach.