Dear Wendy,

First of all, I want to say that I picked your chain over the other fast-food restaurants simply because I think you are much better than them. The fact that you have silverware and baked potatoes makes me think you run the smartest of the fast-food chains, and are therefore the most appropriate recipient of my brilliant idea for a new ad campaign.

I am sure you are familiar with the Destiny’s Child song “Check on It.” Beyoncé and friends repeatedly ask their listeners to “check up on it.” Now, Wendy … are you thinking what I’m thinking?! Switch around the syllables of that catchy chorus and you get a song about ketchup!

So, here’s what I’m thinking for the commercial. Some kids will be eating their burgers and fries when the beat from “Check on It” rises in a slow crescendo. Immediately, they break into song and sing the following:

Watch me put some ketchup on it
I’ma put some ketchup on it
Come on put some ketchup on it

And then maybe we could zoom in on one of the burgers, or a box of french fries, who could sing in a deep voice:

Put some ketchup on me tonight!

I think it’s a great idea, and if you’d like to use it I’d be happy to negotiate with you. If not, I’ll probably try to use the song in a sploshing video or something. And I’m sure you know what sploshing is, Wendy—don’t be coy with me.

All best,
Jeff Robertson Alford