This movie will feature common cartoon animals (like dogs or chickens), at least seven pop culture references, and a teacup pig voiced by Kevin Hart. The songs will be interchangeable, yet insanely catchy, especially the ballad led by an actual singing earworm. The movie will clock in at just over an hour, leaving you with more than eight hours to fill before bedtime. To kill time afterward, it is recommended that you purchase several of the toy tie-ins connected to this film, or download the earworm’s song onto your phone and play it on loop for your children.
This movie will also feature cartoon animals, only they will be more obscure (like emus or voles), ruder, more flatulent, and will make one weird sexual innuendo that will fly over your kids’ heads but will make you die a little inside. The main characters are going on a quest, will drift apart and then come back together, culminating with a cast dance party set to a cover of “Sweet Caroline” by Ariana Grande. The villain will be just scary enough to make your child flip out at the next petting zoo birthday party. Oh, and a heads-up: your child will eventually watch this movie at school, most likely during the two weeks leading up to a vacation.
The main couple in this movie (the kangaroo and the ibis) will definitely have sex at some point, but it will be tasteful and discreet, as if filmed through a white tulle curtain. At least one character will projectile-vomit for comedic effect, and characters will say “Goddammit!” in place of a more logical f-bomb. Your kids will force you to stick around after the credits for a 5-second sneak preview of a B-list character in a related movie coming out two summers from now. This coda will have no meaning to you, but you will spend hours on the internet discussing it with strangers.
You will ask yourself: when is it appropriate to bring my kids to this? The correct answer: never. The main character’s best friend (an alpaca voiced by Kevin Hart) will die in some gruesome way. His love interest will be a hooker panda with a heart of gold and a jaded worldview. At least one character will projectile-vomit for dramatic effect, and characters will say f-bombs instead of each others’ names. You may want to avoid having to sit through Madagascar 5: Endangered Zone again, but unless you enjoy answering questions about inter-phylum orgies, or are on a first date with a fraternity pledgemaster, steer clear.
Put the DVD back under your teenager’s mattress where you found it, leave the room, and never speak of it again.
This movie is in French with Japanese subtitles, and is nominated for a Best Animated Film Oscar. You will not know what is going on for 90% of the movie, and it contains a 15 minute scene of the main character (a chinchilla voiced by Kevin Hart) brushing her teeth, filmed from underneath the sink. There will be no fewer than four graphic sex scenes, but they are essential to the narrative and are thus considered “artsy.” Just at a pivotal moment in the plot, the screen will go black, the credits will roll, and you will feel simultaneously smarter and infinitely dumber. But still better than Madagascar 5.