What’s up? It’s your taste buds here. We just want to say, wow, you sure let us screw this one up. As if things weren’t bad enough already, guess what you like now? That’s right, sparkling water.

We gotta admit, you tried your best. You held out for what, a couple of decades? Well done. Not anymore. If you think we’re going to let you feel satiated by a delicious, well-balanced lunch without calling in a Pamplemousse La Croix for assistance, you’re wrong.

Life as you knew it changed the moment you reached into the cooler for a Poland Spring Triple Berry Sparkling Water in order to hit the credit card minimum at the bodega. Today, no meal would be complete without those fizzy little bubbles whizzing past your lips. We bet you can practically hear them whispering sweet nothings from the nearest refrigerator right now. Face it, you’re a slut for seltzer.

The days of mocking people who drink L’Orange Perrier are over. You’re one of them and you have to live with that. While we’ve got you, now is probably a good time to let you know about some other things we’re thinking of getting into. These include but are not limited to espresso, oat milk, honey that costs $30 a jar, and, for absolutely no reason at all, fancier kinds of sparkling water (we’re looking at you, Topo Chico).

It’s understandable if you’re nervous about this new development in your life. It’s a lot to handle on top of everything else. But we’re here to help. Tonight when you slap on your mask and gloves and go to the grocery store, don’t fight it. Let us lead you to the seltzer aisle. You’ll look at all the bubbly bottles and tell yourself you don’t need it. Sure, you don’t. Then you’ll catch a glimpse of the juices, full of sugar and chemicals. You would never — sparkling water would never. After all, isn’t it a smart decision to treat yourself tonight? So go ahead and indulge in that Aranciata Rossa Sanpellegrino. You deserve it.

You might think this is a passing phase, but we assure you it is not. It’s true that you’re at the height of your passion now, knocking back two or three cans of water with bubbles in it every day. This could wear off. Ten years from now, you may even be down to just two or three cans of water with bubbles in it a week, to which we say, “Don’t you care at all about the environment?”

For the record, we think it’s great that you care about the environment. You should definitely take action and do even more. Not us, though. We absolutely do not give a shit. Like, what are you going to do about it anyway? Buy a fucking soda stream?