“Legislation banning abortions after about six weeks is now the law of the land in Texas, effectively ending Roe v. Wade protections in the state.” – NPR, 9/1/21

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In the wake of Texas banning abortion, liberals and anyone who believes in basic human rights are once again up in arms over yet another state taking away a woman’s “right to choose.” As moral Republicans, we celebrate the Supreme Court’s decision to do absolutely nothing to block this law. It’s a crucial step toward ensuring our nation upholds the right to certain forms of life approved by old conservative men who will be dead in five to ten years. Because we believe the right to life begins at the moment of conception and extends all the way until birth.

We’ve allowed this silly business of women having autonomy over their reproductive rights for far too long. It’s our job to protect the most vulnerable members of society: fetuses between the ages of four hours and nine months and not a second over. That’s why we’re big believers in the social safety net—the gigantic butterfly net we use to catch women walking into Planned Parenthood so we can lecture them about the evils of making informed decisions about their bodies. It’s the only way to make the American dream accessible to all people under the age of zero.

We’re not afraid to take a bold, progressive stance when it comes to safeguarding the basic human rights of folks who don’t have birth certificates or social security numbers yet. So sorry if we feel that it is morally wrong to evict someone from their home, provided they are less than three inches tall and their home is a uterus. And sorry if we think that all people deserve food and water, as long as they receive it from an umbilical cord and are not perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, like a second grader. Everyone has the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness if they’re pursuing said happiness from the confines of a sac of amniotic fluid. Anyone else is on their own, of course.

For those saying this bill is about policing women’s bodies, remember that women are not fetuses and therefore don’t have the same rights as a collection of embryonic cells that may or may not naturally survive to term. And if you think that means we’re anti-woman, rest assured we believe female fetuses deserve all of the same protections that male fetuses have. Until the moment they’re born, obviously, at which time it becomes okay to assert control over them.

Besides, it’s really not about women having the right to choose; women have plenty of opportunities to choose. They can choose to wear shorts or spaghetti straps, unless they are in elementary school through twelfth grade. They can choose to adopt a child as long as they’re straight and married to a man. Women can even choose between pads or using tampons provided they experience the required amount of shame they should feel for having female reproductive organs, which we all know is wrong. This has nothing to do with women having the right to choose and everything to do with us having the freedom to choose what’s right for all women.

If that seems unfair, tough luck. In the Texas government, we are big believers in the Bible. And sure, the Bible we consult was found in the parking lot of a Motel 6 in Irving and has all the pages ripped out except for the part about how it’s okay to stone women who have committed adultery. But it must be legit because it was signed by Joel Osteen. So we’re pretty confident our laws are consistent with Jesus’s two greatest commandments: force people to do what you think is the right thing and let people fend for themselves the second they leave the womb.

Also, don’t start with any liberal science garbage either. You’ll never get it past us, because the only scientists we believe are Joe Rogan and Jesus. That’s right, Jesus was also a scientist who famously said, “Life begins when a sperm cell fertilizes an egg cell to form a zygote.” And if there’s one thing we Republicans trust, it’s science. That’s why we also staunchly believe the 3 percent of scientists who don’t think climate change is real and why we listen to anti-vax moms selling essential oils on Facebook who say autism is contagious.

But most importantly, we believe in the theory of evolution, which states that society’s attitudes toward women’s equality don’t need to evolve beyond 1950. This is why we will force them to carry babies that we will then do nothing to protect from gun violence, preventable disease, or deaths of despair, starting from the instant they leave the birth canal and take their first breaths.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for my daily ritual of running up and down the halls of a COVID ICU mask-less and screaming to prove that the virus is a hoax. After all, my body, my choice.