ADAM: Appreciate all the hard work, guys, but I’ve got some bad news. Our initiatives at rebranding men have backfired. Even hiring Matt Damon didn’t work. We need fresh ideas now. Nick and Brad, what do you got?
NICK: Still massaging some stuff.
BRAD: We need more time.
ADAM: Didn’t you see the pin? Time’s up. If men were wiped off the face of the Earth, women would be out on the streets celebrating. That’s how low our numbers are right now!
NICK: Okay, what about a “Summer of Love” reboot? The hippie movement was, at least from my research, incredibly successful at rebranding men as sensitive lovers. Stewart, didn’t you help with that launch?
STEWART: Amazing P.R. push. “Free Love.” Jesus. I was in the room when Al and Lenny came up with that.
ADAM: We can’t rehash old ideas, guys. Stuff like “Free Love” and “Mother’s Day”… those were long-term rollouts. We need quick hits.
TRISTAN: I have a thought.
ADAM: Not now, Tristan! Interns go last.
BRAD: Here’s our next idea. A simple, hardline message, “Men. Working to Win You Back.”
NICK: Think posters in the subway. Images of guys doing good-natured guy stuff. Carrying extra bags, hugging normally, listening to a female coworker while she holds a microprocessor.
STEWART: I don’t know… it feels desperate.
ADAM: And misses the point. Everyone knows men aren’t perfect. We’re badly damaged. Many in a dangerous way. Except for everyone in this room, of course.
STEWART: Goes without saying.
TRISTAN: Are you guys done yet?
ADAM: Patience, Tristan! Nick and Brad still have the floor.
NICK: Here’s a quick hit. Male chastity belts.
ADAM: I’m listening.
BRAD: Both partners simultaneously press TouchID buttons on their iPhones to release the underwear’s tight-but-not-uncomfortable restrictive enclosure. Our tagline? “Unlock consent.”
ADAM: Something about this bothers me, but I can’t figure out what.
NICK: We tested a prototype.
ADAM: No, here’s the problem. Consent can be withdrawn at any time during intercourse. Haven’t you learned? Where would your restrictive garment be then? Under a duvet cover? Next.
TRISTAN: So here’s my idea—
STEWART: Can I toss out something crazy?
ADAM: You’re one of the greats, Stew. The fact that not long ago you rebranded growing a beard as a sign of sensitivity was a masterstroke.
STEWART: Know how when two guys see each other in the bathroom at the same time twice in one day?
ADAM: Right! And one guy inevitably says, “We’re on the same schedule.”
NICK: So personal, yet so real.
BRAD: Not to mention feminine!
STEWART: Can we do something with that?
ADAM: So wait, is that an idea, or… am I missing something?
STEWART: The tagline, “Men. Exposing more of ourselves.”
BRAD: I see what you did there.
STEWART: Let me toss out another example. What about when it’s so cold out that your penis inverts a little? Like, it turtleheads back in? Has that ever happened to you guys?
NICK: Mine’s doing that now.
STEWART: No one’s talked about this before! What if the Rock opens up about it? A TV campaign directed to women about exposing our deepest insecurities. The spots write themselves.
ADAM: With all due respect, though, does it nail the brief? Does anyone have the brief?
NICK: Here it is. Our main takeaway: “Rebrand men as arbiters in fixing our broken sexual culture.”
ADAM: Good God, how can we possibly solve this by Monday?
BRAD: That’s what I said at the beginning.
NICK: Chastity belt is pretty close. Let’s go with chastity belt.
ADAM: If we lose the men account, this firm is dead.
TRISTAN: I’m just going to say it. It’s a simple campaign about listening more, and treating women with respect.
ADAM: And the device?
ADAM: It needs a hook. A character. Something! Like posters featuring a cartoon basset hound that says, “We’re all ears, ladies.”
STEWART: This hound dog doesn’t look at women like meat. He looks at them like…
NICK: Like women!
ADAM: There’s something there.
TRISTAN: Gimmicks won’t work. We have an opportunity to truly help men.
STEWART: That’s cute.
ADAM: Well gents, regroup first thing Saturday?
BRAD: Wait, we have one more idea. But it’s not fleshed out at all.
NICK: “The Great American All Male Bake-Off.”
STEWART: Hey, I presented that a month ago.
ADAM: Nick has the floor, Stew. Our ratings weren’t as bad a month ago.
NICK: Hunks, fondant, and changing the national conversation around consent.
ADAM: Keep going.
BRAD: Featuring skillfully delicious cake challenges that act as allegories for our broken sexual culture.
NICK: And interview segments that reveal the ways men, or at least this particular group of diverse and dreamy bakers, feel about gender stereotypes.
BRAD: New smash the patriarchy catchphrase, “Your spotted dick’s got a soggy bottom.”
STEWART: Gotta admit, I can see the target female demo tuning in.
BRAD: Later, we could run a “Great American All Boys Bake-Off.” Because this kind of dialogue needs to start early.
ADAM: And cakes are our way in?
ADAM: Let’s flesh this out. And Tristan? I want you to learn from these pros. It’s this kind of work that could raise the approval rating of men to Q4’s target goal: 8%.