A pillow that serves as a cushion for my baby? Is it just a normal pillow but with a cute name like “The Squishy Wishy” and priced three times higher? Perfect. I’ll take two.

A truly organic rattle and teething toy that’s really just a stick you found outside? I mean, it’s two-in-one so the fact that it’s $80 doesn’t really bother me I guess…

This bathtub designed to go inside the baby bathtub you bought to go inside your bathtub? Sounds like a safety thing so I can’t really say no.

How about a pacifier mood ring? It’s a mood ring that’s attached to the end of the pacifier designed to tell you what your baby is feeling. OK, well, I was anti-pacifier at first but this sounds pretty high-tech so I might as well just abandon my entire philosophy and get it.

An all-natural baby bouncer? Is it just a seat hastily attached to a spring that requires my baby to have the coordination of a toddler in order to use? Fantastic. My baby is going to be very advanced so this sounds like something he definitely needs in order for me to establish his life-long complex of never meeting my impossibly high expectations.

This non-toxic, BPA-free, formamide-free, phthalates-free, lead-free, gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, toxin-free, allergen-free, vegan bottle of air? I don’t know what half of these things are but I also don’t have time to look them up so in order to combat the guilt of my laziness, go ahead and mark me down for however many bottles it takes to fill a room.

A rock? Honestly, it’s really hard to find good rocks these days that aren’t a choking hazard.

A bathrobe with 18-pockets including one that is large enough to hold a baby up to six months old? I haven’t worn real clothes in 41 days so just take all my money.

A drool cloth made from upcycled diaper scraps? Babies are so wasteful. I really need to do my part and give back because what if we become a society in which every person is valued by the amount of waste they’ve created and my son is at a disadvantage because I refused to use cloth diapers? Better subscribe to a monthly delivery just in case.

This noise machine that stimulates the areas of the brain associated with critical thinking which guarantees high performance in school later in life? Well if my sense of self-worth is already directly tied to his performance then this seems like a good investment in both of our futures.

Baby eyelash curler? Is it an eyelash curler that’s just really, really, really small? Cuuuuute! Do they come in bulk?