SUBJECT: You’re Invited! The HOTTEST New Rooftop Bar
I saw you worked in media sometime between 2011 and 2014, so I’m inviting you to the opening of the Third Circle’s hottest new rooftop bar, Uphevil! We’re taking the underworld up a notch with a 360-degree view: you’ll be the first to greet new arrivals falling to the depths of the abyss, all while sipping on a signature Aperol Spritz from master mixologist Locusta — wrapping up her residency with us before hopping back on the L-Train to Williamsburg!
Southern-style bites like chicken and waffles will be served, inspired by the Devil’s second trip down to Georgia.
Friday the 13th | Eternity
666 Elm Street, Hell’s Kitchen,
Third Circle, Hell
We hope you can join us for #HellHathARooftop.
See you there!
SUBJECT: Ooh la la! Join us at the spa!
Sorry we missed you at the opening of Uphevil — the drinks were to die, Ozzy’s headless bat made a surprise appearance, and The Beast ate one lucky guest… who could have been you!!
Maybe we can tempt you with something even hotter… a complimentary pampering at the new spa, SCALDÉE!
This state-of-the-art facility sits at the edge of a 500 million-acre lake of fire with hot springs shooting out erratically from all angles. You’ll enjoy a complimentary sulfuric exfoliant treatment and a piping hot sauna that will peel your epidermis right off, revealing the softest flesh you’ve never seen. After suffocating from the pain, we’ll bring you back to (after)life with a scorching hot stone massage and rubbing-alcohol-soaked body wrap.
Will we see you there? Bring a friend! We offer couple massages, but we specialize in Carrie-massages! Haha. Please come.
See you soon,
Stephané (like Beyoncé)
SUBJECT: GRAND OPENING: Dance with the Devil at Club Coven
JUST talked to your mom and it seems you’ve been too busy clubbing to call her. (She’s super annoying, so I totally get that — though if it weren’t for her drunken séances we wouldn’t have gotten your email so THANK BAAL haha). Fortunately, we won’t judge. In fact, join us as we open the doors to Club Coven!
Bottle service is on us at a specially reserved VIP table in the shape of a pentagram, just like that one you have in your grandmother’s attic. All guests will dance naked in a circle with the Blair Witch and our intern, Jenn (you’re going to love her, she’s soooo crazy!!). Plus, a little birdie also told me certain VIPs will leave with a special hell-in-a-handbasket gift: an adorable live baby goat!
You wouldn’t want to miss!
Saddest of news. Club Coven had to be shut down due to a locust infestation. We at DAPR are, of course, beside ourselves. Fortunately, our intern Jenn has taken full responsibility, although she is no longer with us (she grabbed hold of an imp flying out of purgatory and left a sticky note that said ‘Bye Bitch!!’ Rude). We know you wanted to come. Look out for more news soon!
Stephanie-Marie Antoinette De Sade
PS. We still have some baby goats running around the office if you want one. Soo cute!
SUBJECT: Tempt Yo’Self
Hi again, Carrie!
The Temptation Hotel and Anti-Christ Casino is the jewel of Tartarus, and you’ll be checking into your deepest, darkest indulges! The only place in Hell that combines blackjack and black magic, the hotel is specifically designed for your most devilish vacation fantasies: take a dip in our Olympic size pool of eels, or join us for a 3-am SinCYCLE in one of our two(!!) fitness facilities. All accommodations are heated to 150 degrees Fahrenheit, the perfect temperature for rest and eternal damnation!
Isn’t this exhausting, Carrie? This futile game we are playing? I email, you archive the email immediately… meaningless, just like life itself. PLUS, A 3-night package is 60% off, RIGHT NOW!
Anyway, SO looking forward to meeting!
SUBJECT: A Fond Farewell
Carrie, dearest Carrie:
I think we both knew this day would come. I am no longer with DAPR. I have been seeking greener pastures, and when a new opportunity arose to work in-house, my sweet, sweet Carrie: I took it. I’ve been taking care of myself more, spending time with friends, family, and my son, who is a goat. Truly living. You may not hear from me again, and that’s OK. I have been summoned for a greater purpose.
Should you need anything from Hell, please feel free to get in touch with Jenn. I hear she’s at Edelman now.
Director of Communications
Higher Power CBD Plus
143 Pearly Gates Ct, Suite 15, Heaven