“Your response when you see children wearing masks as they play should be no different from your response to seeing someone beat a kid in Walmart… Call the police immediately, contact child protective services. Keep calling until someone arrives.” — Tucker Carlson, 4/26/21

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I am the mythical Baba Yaga from Slavic folklore who has been inhabiting the body of Tucker Carlson for the last 20 years, and I have come to the painful decision to distance myself from both him and Fox News.

When Tucker and I first met, he was already insane. But at the time, I ate children, so it seemed like a good fit. Plus, my sisters, Baba Yaga and Baba Yaga, were already working at Fox, inhabiting the bodies of Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly. My younger cousin works for Tomi Lahren.

Historically, the Baba Yaga did not inhabit the bodies of Fox anchors. Or the bodies of anyone for that matter. But after emigrating to the United States, we were desperate for work, and there is nothing more sinister than working at Fox News. They’re all nuts and incredibly dangerous, but as I said earlier, my sisters and I used to devour children. We weren’t exactly standing on moral high ground. It was almost too easy.

I have to say, inhabiting the body of Tucker Carlson has been a pretty sweet gig. I constantly feed off his sweet lack of morals and gallons of diet Pepsi that courses through his veins. And since there’s really no activity in his brain, I can come and go as I please. But I want to be extremely clear: the Tucker Carlson you saw on TV Monday was not my responsibility. The Tucker Carlson who catches and drains the blood from squirrels behind the Lincoln Memorial? That’s my responsibility. But I played no role whatsoever in that shitshow on Monday.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, as someone who used to literally consume children, forcing them to wear masks in public is not child abuse. Contact the police if one of my sisters or James Charles tries to lure your child into a hut standing on chicken legs. Call the police if an old Russian woman who has a four-foot-long nose and smells like Roger Ailes’ laundry basket tries to approach your child. But kids in masks? Leave them and their parents be.

I may have spent several years as a close advisor to Senator Joseph McCarthy in the 1950s, but I am no anti-masker. It has taken many years, but not long after taking up residence in Tucker’s body, I began to see the error of my ways. I used to get lost in the thrill of being inside one of the nation’s truly most unhinged personalities, but I’ve begun to see the danger Tucker poses to society. As of late, even I have become disturbed by the errant thought that runs through his brain.

It’s time to put an end to this madness. I think I would do less damage if I returned to eating children than I would if I stayed another day inside the body of Tucker Carlson and Fox News.

Signing off of Fox News for the last time, I am the Baba Yaga inside Tucker Carlson. I can no longer take responsibility if he’s caught catching squirrels behind national monuments. He’s on his own.