“Elon Musk, the head of Tesla, attacked Sen. Bernie Sanders on Twitter on Sunday after the lawmaker from Vermont tweeted that ‘we must demand that the extremely wealthy pay their fair share.’ Musk responded to the 80-year-old senator by saying: ‘I keep forgetting that you’re still alive’ and later raised the possibility of selling more Tesla shares, which would require him to pay taxes. ‘Want me to sell more stock, Bernie?’ Musk tweeted a little while later. ‘Just say the word…’” — Slate, 11/14/21

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Dear Mr. Musk,

It has come to my attention that we are “beefing” on Twitter.

This is the kind of thing I typically wouldn’t respond to, because I have my hands full trying to pass a sweeping $1.9 trillion budget that would combat climate change, build affordable homes for low-income families, and fund universal pre-K for six million kids.

But then I heard that you challenged me to tell you to sell your stock. “Just say the word” were your exact words. So, as a yuge fan of making billionaires give up their ill-gotten gains, I have just one thing to say:

Do it, you pussy.

You heard me. I dare you to sell your stock. I double-dog dare you. I triple-dog dare you, coward.

I don’t mean selling a few billion to cover your personal debts either. I’m talking all of it. Every last cent. Forbes says you’re worth $271 billion? That’s $271 billion more than you’ll ever need. As if you’re not just going to beg taxpayers for another $4.9 billion to fund your next brainworm venture, like you did for Tesla and SpaceX.

Sell your stock and donate it to help someone you don’t know, you wuss. What are you going to do, not end hunger in the United States ($25 billion)? What about saving 42 million people worldwide from extreme starvation ($6 billion)? Don’t tell me you wouldn’t donate all $271 billion so that every American public college student can go to school tuition-free for the next two years, man. That’s weak sauce and you know it.

Donate it. Donate it all. Even the Bitcoin. Especially the Bitcoin. This is reparations for every person who ever had to listen to one of your fanboys wax lyrical about the transformative power of the blockchain or why Dogecoin is the future of cryptocurrency. This is payback for us having to hear the words “Papa Musk.” You did this to yourself. I want you to remember that.

Wasn’t it just a few years ago that you called yourself a socialist? Divest yourself of the means of production, bitch. Redistribute your wealth to the masses. Or was that just all talk too, like all the other shit you spout on the bird app? At least your ex pretends to read The Communist Manifesto. You couldn’t tell the difference between the proletariat and the lumpenproletariat if you tried.

I bet you won’t sell more stock. You don’t have the balls. You’re such a beta-cuck male. It’s embarrassing. A real chad would have sold their entire net before getting owned by an octogenarian granddad. A gigachad would have sold it just for the lulz. I would say that you bring disgrace to your family, but considering your dad was an emerald mine owner in apartheid South Africa, I think it’s fair to say your particular branch of the Musk family tree is already doing a bang-up job of being fuckups.

If I had $271 billion in stock options, you bet my ass I would be throwing that shit around. Hell, I wouldn’t even ask my Twitter followers what they thought; I’d be out in the streets making it rain like every day was a bar mitzvah. Except I don’t have a billion dollars, because I don’t exploit workers or turn a blind eye to forced child labor in my environmentally destructive cobalt mines. You do. And while no amount of money in the world can fix all the pain and suffering you have caused, your $271 billion can start making amends.

Start selling, bucko.

Bernie Sanders
United States Senator