In order from most to least likely…

Government provides easier access to the White House Pokestop.

Hillary Clinton pledges to fight for free college for all, even if she has to pay for it herself with her Goldman Sachs blood money.

All of Susan Sarandon’s movies 99-cents on iTunes.

$100 gift certificate to Teespring.

Tim Kaine plays more harmonica, does fewer Trump impressions.

Delegates receive exactly 340 pounds of green M&M’s, Poland Spring water chilled to 36 degrees and a live boa constrictor in their green room.

Joe Biden promises to cradle each delegate’s head in his lap for 30 seconds while softly stroking their temples and whispering “malarkey” into their ears over and over.

At the end of her speech, Hillary Clinton unzips her skin suit and reveals the alien spawn we all know is lurking inside her.

As she steps onto the stage, Hillary Clinton says, “I’m proud and humbled to be our party’s nominee…JK, as a patriot, I know it’s my duty to step aside for Bernie Sanders because he is the only one who can defeat Donald Trump,” after which she disappears in a poof of smoke as 40,000 balloons fall from the rafters and a choir of unicorns shits gold while singing Simon & Garfunkel’s “America.”