Point spreads are in parentheses. Our picks are in CAPS.
Welcome, bettors! With the All-Star game over, the second half of the season is just around the corner. This issue will focus on the remaining schedule for Person.
PERSON (-3.5) vs. Fate
This is a tricky matchup because you never know which Person will show up: Is it a plucky rom-com lead playfully subverting tropes? Or a king who literally can’t interpret a prophecy to save his life? Recent trends favor the former, but I’m nervous enough to recommend cutting your usual wager in half in case the fickle finger becomes a middle finger.
Person (-2.5) vs. NATURE
Bettors tend to forget that unless these two face off in a domed stadium, Nature is always playing at home. If you’re feeling adventurous, combine this bet with taking the over on inner monologues as diary entries for a tempting two-pick parlay.
Person vs. Person (pick ’em)
No recommendation. They’re just too evenly matched.
Person vs. TECHNOLOGY (-2)
We simulated this matchup a thousand times using CAMPBELL (Computer Assisted Multiple Parameter Betting Evaluator Lotsa Luck) who has Technology covering the spread over 60% of the time. I get that some of you think the old soup can is biased on Tech predictions, so feel free to refuse the call while the rest of us cash in on this gift from the goddess.
Person vs. Unknown (No line)
The hardest part of making money in this line of work is letting go of your ego. I’m the first to admit that I can’t keep up to date on every obscure team from the Obscure Conference. And I still haven’t heard back from the scouts I sent to cover Unknown’s last game at Miskatonic U. No data, no pick. Side note: we’re hiring!
PERSON vs. Self (-4)
Okay, hear me out. Yes, they’ve always been their own worst enemy. But in big rivalries like this, you can throw the team records out the window. And when it comes to battling one’s inner demons, Person has epiphany therapy, found family, and other tropes that just weren’t as prominent in the Regan MacNeil era.
Lock of the Week:
Person vs. SOCIETY (-10.5)
I can sense my comments section boiling over: “But Person beat Society earlier this year! How can they be your lock of the week?” I know everyone’s saying the breakdown of Society is just around the corner, but it’s not happening this season. Props to Person for that upset against Society at Ayn Rand Field, but expect a different story in the rematch at Kafka Stadium.