Breaking news tonight out of [ANY OF OUR NATION’S COURTS, JUSTICE DEPARTMENTS, OR SENATE SUBCOMMITTEES], I’m [MSNBC HOST WHO MAKES YOUR AUNT SCREAM AT THE TV].
Things aren’t looking good tonight for Donald Trump. And no, you’re not having déjà vu—because this time, it’s different. This time, we finally got him. This is, in a word, the [IDIOM THAT OVERSTATES THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS EVIDENCE].
Tonight, we have a bombshell report that reveals—for the first time—[EVIDENCE THAT 100 PERCENT HAS DEFINITELY ALREADY BEEN REVEALED]. Now, eagle-eyed viewers may wonder, “Didn’t we already know this? Wasn’t this information previously revealed by the [SCANDAL INVOLVING A TRUMP BUSINESS] or the [SCANDAL WHERE TRUMP TRIED TO COVER UP A DIFFERENT SCANDAL] or [ANY OF THE SCANDALS TRUMP WAS IMPEACHED FOR]?” You may ask yourself: “Am I going crazy?” or “Did I time travel to the future, hear this information, and then time travel back to the past without realizing it?”
But that’s where you’re wrong. Because this evidence makes Watergate look like [UNSUCCESSFUL ANALOGY].
Tonight, we’ve obtained: emails. A treasure trove of new emails between [LOYAL TRUMP ALLY] and [ESTRANGED TRUMP RELATIVE WHO’S ALWAYS HATED HIM]. Now, these emails are a veritable goldmine on the topics of [RED HERRING] and [SPECIOUS CONSPIRACY THEORY], but tonight, we’d like to focus on one particularly damning exchange in which we learn: [HIGHLY SPECIFIC NEW DETAIL THAT DOESN’T FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGE THE FACTS OF THE CASE].
Wow. Now that is a bombshell—the likes of which we haven’t seen since [THE MORNING EDITION OF THIS SHOW].
Now, some viewers at home may be thinking, “C’mon, [MSNBC HOST WHO MAKES YOUR AUNT FULLY WET]—we already have enough truly, maddeningly career-ending evidence to send Trump to prison for [NUMBER OF LIFETIMES SO BIG IT WOULD MAKE A CAT JEALOUS]. Why do you need to treat every minor revelation with the gravitas of the Saturday Night Massacre?”
Here to answer that question is legal expert [TV LAWYER WHO’S AN ACTUAL LAWYER IN THE WAY DR. PHIL’S AN ACTUAL DOCTOR]. Now, [TV LAWYER], given the facts of the case, what would typically happen in a [PHRASE THAT MEANS “FUNCTIONING DEMOCRACY,” BUT WHICH IMPLIES WE NO LONGER LIVE IN ONE]?
Fascinating. So what you just told me is: “If we were living in such a hypothetical society where democracy actually functioned, it would be hard to imagine a more compelling public interest than getting answers about [THE THING THE PRESIDENT DID THIS TIME], our justice department would be able to do [ANY ONE OF THE JOBS A JUSTICE DEPARTMENT NORMALLY DOES], and we wouldn’t be right back here tomorrow—same time, same place—presenting minor revelations using words like ‘smoking gun’ in a desperate attempt to gain the attention of a social-media addicted public, whose opinion, for some reason, the DOJ needs in order to litigate the most clear-cut case of our generation?”
Well, you heard it here first, folks, Donald Trump is going to prison.