It’s such a relief to have you looking after the place while I spa-cation and establish Valium suppliers throughout Southeast Asia. On a recent heroin safari in North Africa, I was waylaid by some customs agents, and when I returned home several of my cockatiels were dead. That colorful mound of feathers was so sad. I can’t bear to imagine a similar fate befalling my tigers, but I’m sure it won’t. I’ve scattered several hundred pounds of raw beef around the grounds and put quite a large bowl of milk on the back stairs, so you really won’t have to worry about them, unless you try to leave the house.

A few things to be mindful of during your stay:

  • There isn’t much “food” food, but there are plenty of vitamins, though many of the “vitamins” are “special vitamins,” which you’ll have to pay for. Uppers are $15. Downers are $5.
  • All of the light bulbs in the basement burnt out right before I left, so definitely don’t go down there no matter what. It’s pretty much just concrete and chains and stained pillowcases and lengths of rubber hose, anyway.
  • The home theater has been acting up, occasionally making a sound like, “Help me!” or another that’s kind of like a terrified crying. Don’t worry about it. I’ve called the guy from Radio Shack. He says it’s normal and he’ll be by to fix it as soon as I get back.
  • There are guns hidden all over the house. I tried to un-hide as many of them as I could remember so you could have your pick of the litter, but I think I forgot a pistol taped behind the toilet tank in the guest bathroom. Don’t be shocked if you find it. There are bullets in the aspirin bottle.
  • All of the umbrellas in the stand by the front door double as sword canes. All of the sword canes double as blowguns. The blowgun belonged to Stevie Nicks. Don’t put your mouth on the business end.
  • If there is an emergency, DO NOT CALL 911. First call my pal Eddy. If he’s busy, call Jinx. If you can’t get Jinx, press the red button by the front door, grab as many guns and “special vitamins” as you can carry and head to the roof. A helicopter will arrive shortly. While flying to safety in the helicopter, try and shoot the tigers. I really don’t want to have the government on my back about keeping big cats. Again.

Seriously, thank you so much for house sitting. Like you said last night, “Sometimes you meet a guy, and it’s like you’ve known him forever.”

If anything really crazy happens, I’ll be out of cell phone range, traveling with forged documents, having undergone extensive plastic surgery, so you’re pretty much on your own.

See you next Wednesday!