If you’re reading this, congratulations! You are officially rich and famous enough (but also poor and unsuccessful enough) to be Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend. This will be an incredible journey for the both of you; Ms. Swift is always looking for new material for her Diet Coke ads.

If you are unavailable to commit to Ms. Swift at this time, I totally understand. You have your own life. I do too, sometimes. OK. Maybe not, but I am trying really hard to keep my soul alive somewhere deep inside of me. If you do decide to reject this offer, I’ll keep you in our backend of boyfriends and hit you up when Ms. Swift’s relationship with your runner-up [INSERT BRITISH-ACCENTED ACTOR/MUSICIAN/MAGICIAN NAME HERE] ends.

Before moving forward, there are some little things you need to know about dating Ms. Swift:

  • No sex, just kissing.
  • No French kissing, just regular kissing.
  • Ms. Swift will never see your penis.
  • You will never see Ms. Swift eat, but she can watch you eat. And sleep.
  • You can use this opportunity to advance your career but if it gets to the point where you could potentially be more famous than Ms. Swift, the relationship will be terminated.
  • You are required to cuddle Ms. Swift ten times each day, for at least ten minutes at a time.
  • You will not fraternize with Kanye West or any of the Kardashians.
  • If you are caught listening to a Kanye West song, Ms. Swift will frame you for murder.
  • Under no circumstance will Ms. Swift ever write a positive song about you.
  • Anything related to the OJ Simpson trial counts as fraternizing with the Kardashians, so watch that 30 for 30 documentary ASAP: it’s too good to miss.

It’s been a few hours since Ms. Swift’s relationship with Loki ended, so she’s desperate for snuggles. She looks forward to your very public but not very real relationship. Please know that she’s in this for the long haul (3-15 months) and has an open mind about your future. Details about your first Instagram photo shoot on the beach are attached.

Thanks for your patience.

Selena Gomez