Thank you… [dabs under eyes] … oh, my God, thank you so much… [heaves sob that enhances cleavage] this is so … richly deserved. First of all, thank you to the academy, because it’s been a while since they rewarded real talent. To the other magnificent ladies nominated in my category, I’m so lucky to be in your company and even luckier to be the one standing onstage. You were all an inspiration to me when I was such a little, little girl and to win this while you’re stewing down there is … very sweet.
Acting is a solitary journey, something that happens deep [pounds chest; loaned 20-carat ring twinkles] inside, and I am humbled by the response to my portrayal of Sister Lisette, the remarkable resistance fighter/handicapped nun in occupied France. It was the role of a lifetime, and it couldn’t have happened without the support and hard work of so many, most of whom will not receive any accolades and to whom I’d like to dedicate this award tonight.
To my magnificent director, Albert, some call you an exacting megalomaniac with a raging cocaine addiction, but I was inspired by your leadership. Your daily threats to fire me only spurred me to excellence. It’s such a shame that you weren’t nominated, but there’s always lifetime achievement. To my co-stars, Colin and Ed, when you showed up sober, your generosity and kindness were limitless. I’m sure the three pregnant and underage extras feel the same way. To Penny and Lauren, despite your relentless backstabbing, I salute your exceptional performances, most of which were, unfortunately, left on the cutting-room floor. This was a very collaborative process, and the team brought wartime France to vivid, unforgettable life. Our talented costume designer, Edtya, managed to make a nun’s habit sexy, and the less said about the magic worked by hair and makeup the better. [Laughter.]
It’s been a long road for me from Dubuque to Hollywood, and it wouldn’t have happened without the loyalty and commitment of my team, some of whom will be let go tomorrow when I upgrade. Kathy and Rick, you have been my cheerleaders from day 1, and although you prove the stereotype that agents are bloodsucking vampires, you’ve done so with grace, and for that I appreciate you. To my lawyers, Steve and Ed, we’ve been through so much together and I wouldn’t be standing here today without your litigiousness and commitment to paying people off. To the studio, which didn’t want to cast me because they wanted a bigger, younger name but allowed me to audition privately with various producers, I hope you now have a greater understanding of how very much of an asset I can be.
There are special people in my life who couldn’t stand on the red carpet with me, due to unattractiveness or restraining orders, but who still deserve recognition tonight. To Ms. Alice, my deaf high-school acting teacher. [Signs for 30 seconds.] To my family, Moms, Poppa, Jen, Roger, and our dyslexic, mixed-race foster brother, Charlie—you have truly been inspirational. Please accept my thanks in lieu of monetary gifts.
Most of all, this is for my selfless, handsome, unemployed partner, Hugh. You [bites lip], you have been my rock for so many years and this [holds out award] is for both of us, although it’ll be on my side of the bed. [Laughter.] As Sister Lisette said to Pierre when they faced the firing squad, “As long as we’re together, there is nothing that can conquer us and nothing we can’t conquer.” When I spoke those words, I thought of the affairs we’ve both had and, in the spirit of sisters of mercy everywhere, I forgave myself and you. [Wipes away tear.]
And finally, to Momma’s little angels—Mombasa, Ilya, Ling, and Piper—everyone is allowed one square of vegan chocolate tonight to celebrate. [Music starts.] I know that sound, but for me this is not the end; it’s only the beginning. Thank you so much for giving me this wonderful acknowledgment of my so-called talent and obvious good looks. And to all the millions of fans watching all over the world tonight, know that if you post nude pictures of me online I will not hesitate to sue. This is truly a great honor and I thank you all so very, very much. [Walks offstage blowing kisses.]