MICHAEL: The temperature is dropping faster than Lev Parnas drops names. Hard to believe it was so warm the rest of the week – your typical, balmy January weather for NYC. But by all means, let’s have another debate where no one meaningfully addresses the climate crisis.
ALEXANDRA: They also completely ignored the topic of reproductive freedom. Did the walk clear your head, at least?
MICHAEL: I stepped in shit and then unwittingly tracked it into our home.
ALEXANDRA: Well, if that isn’t a metaphor for this Parnas situation, I dunno what is. And I know you’re dying to make a crack about Schiff and “desperate turds” but let’s just skip it, OK? I’m not in the mood.
MICHAEL: Are you disappointed you won’t have better weather for the Women’s March this weekend?
ALEXANDRA: I’m not doing it this year. There’s too much other stuff that day that I’m not willing to cancel this time. And, if we’re being honest, I’m struggling to see the point of another one. It’s all feels so fucking futile, like we’re all just setting ourselves up to be as disappointed as Greta Gerwig at the Golden Globes.
MICHAEL: Now THAT was some fun alliteration. Say it three times fast!
ALEXANDRA: I told you, Michael. I’m not in the mood for jokes. Not for music. Not for walks in the sunshine. Not for sugar kelp smoothies with fenugreek seeds. Not even for mocking vagina-scented candles on social media. I am engorged with ennui. I am asphyxiating on my apathy. I am—
MICHAEL: Really on your alliteration game! Maybe you should do something creative today.
ALEXANDRA: I did finally cave and buy a 2018 iPad Pro. I was hoping to learn how to use it this weekend while snowed in. Maybe even watch a few tutorials between Masterclass lessons.
MICHAEL: Well, aren’t you raining money like you’re Steyer and Bloomberg buying political ads? You didn’t want to wait for the new one allegedly dropping this spring? I’m surprised you didn’t wait for a used model, my frugal feminist.
ALEXANDRA: Since Corey withdrew from the race, I have a little more disposable income what with stopping those weekly contributions to his campaign. Figured I might as well spend it on a consolation prize. Not like there’s a reason to build our savings accounts when the dollar and society are likely to collapse within the year. With Trump’s hero’s essentially declaring himself king, you know he’s going to be extra emboldened.
MICHAEL: It’s so disappointing that Corey never had the chance to properly address the nation in a way that he could be heard. Rosario Dawson looks amazing in pantsuits. Watching Booker on Rachel’s show the other night was better than finding peanut butter in my chocolate. Wait. Is that a racist thing to say?
ALEXANDRA: It’s definitely a boomer thing to say. I seriously doubt anyone born after 1985 remembers that commercial. Or that interview after the last two nights of bombshells Parnas dropped.
MICHAEL: So, if a moderator made that candy reference at a presidential debate, they’d only have to explain it to Pete? That doesn’t qualify as “boomer.”
ALEXANDRA: And Pete DEFINITELY wouldn’t think there were any racist undertones. That stage couldn’t have been any whiter than if Stephen King had written the scene.
MICHAEL: Well, since only one can win and the rest will experience the political equivalent of a murderous demise, I think he would have actually written them all as POC. And there would be a LOT more emphasis on Amy’s breasts. I would TOTALLY watch that.
MICHAEL: Well, Virginia’s armed militias wouldn’t. It doesn’t seem a coincidence that they have chosen MLK day for their “boogaloo.”
ALEXANDRA: Nothing gets white supremacists more riled up than passing legislation in support of equal rights.
MICHAEL: Speaking of things I would watch, how IS the Sedaris Masterclass? Have you taken his advice and tried asking a taxi driver when the last time they touched a monkey was?
ALEXANDRA: No woman alive thinks asking a man that while alone in a car with him could possibly end well.
MICHAEL: And no one would think keeping a written record of your morally questionable activity would end well, either. Yet it just seems to keep happening.
ALEXANDRA: You need to pitch an ad campaign to the Ritz Carlton Las Vegas with increasingly nefarious things being written on their stationery and then throw out a tagline like, “It’s a lot easier to keep it in Vegas if you don’t write it down. But on our stationery, even your crimes look sophisticated.”
MICHAEL: That makes almost as much sense as the White House tweeting a picture of the first snow of the year on a 70-degree day.
ALEXANDRA: Ugh, maybe Sanders is right — women can’t win.
MICHAEL: Are you sure you don’t want to go to that march this weekend? I’ll help you think of a witty slogan about TERFs being the real dicks…
ALEXANDRA: I was really hoping I’d rally in the new year, that’s by stepping back and taking a month off to celebrate life and hope and togetherness, I’d be rested and ready to tackle all the injustices and throw my full winter weight behind a blue wave. But instead, I’m too fatigued to disillusioned to put on my bamboo long underwear and stand in solidarity with my sisters. And with both Kamala and Corey gone, I just can’t get excited about anyone that’s left. Everyone left on that debate stage has disappointed me.
MICHAEL: We all have to deal with disappointment, Alex. Does the production’s inexplicable decision to abandon the Lee Scoresby we loved in our youth or Lin’s questionable accent make me love Hamilton or the books themselves any less? NO IT DOES NOT. People, no matter how high our expectations for them might me, are still people. Humans. Beautifully imperfect humans. They are going to disappoint us.
ALEXANDRA: Just like I’m going to disappoint myself and my sisters and skip that march this weekend.
MICHAEL: That’s forgivable. Some might even say commendable, if it’s what you need to do to stay in the fight. Because even though I don’t have a uterus and so am probably unqualified to make a statement on behalf of women…
ALEXANDRA: OK, J.K. — who’s a TERF now?
MICHAEL: Shit. See? Human. Allow me to rephrase. Even though I don’t personally identify as a woman, I think that the point of the Women’s March — for any of the protests or rallies, really — is to show the world, and ourselves, that we haven’t given up.
ALEXANDRA: You’re right. I’ll return the iPad and increase my weekly contributions to Amy McGrath. But be forewarned I’m going to need at least a week of sulking if Biden wins Iowa.
MICHAEL: See? I thought for sure you were going to say Bernie there! YOU ARE STARTING TO FEEL THE BERN. I knew you hadn’t given up!
ALEXANDRA: I am most definitely NOT feeling the Bern. But I am mentally preparing myself to vote for him and squelching any urges to say anything negative about him. Or any of the other candidates. Now is not the time for high standards. If only the #neverwarren assholes would get on board.
MICHAEL: I think you should keep the iPad. Leverage what you’re good at to do good instead of trying to instantly become an expert in ALL THE THINGS. Trust that the people with expertise in other areas will do their best to use what THEY are good at to do good. You aren’t going to solve the Australian fires any more than I’m going to fully understand trade tariffs. But we could throw together an ad campaign for some local candidates. Your art, my words. How about we make THAT our act of service in honor of MLK?
ALEXANDRA: Dammit. I hate it when you’re right.
MICHAEL: I told you, Alex. We all have to deal with disappointment.