It’s half-goat, half-bat, and 100%-crucial to our campaign strategy. Legend says the Jersey Devil descends from the wealthy Leeds family of 18th-century New Jersey, so a low estate tax really appeals to it. Raising the estate tax may seem appealing to the average American, but if we added that to our platform, voter turnout would be as sparse as the Pine Barrens, where this hellish fiend calls home.
The Lovecraftian horror, and rumored cause of the 1967 Silver Bridge collapse, despises public infrastructure projects. A sweeping public investment plan could incur the wrath of this winged terror. Why focus on the progressive wing when Mothman gives us two wings for the price of one?
The Moderate Republican
Rumored to live in rust belt Michigan and suburbs, the moderate Republican supports pretty much everything Trump is doing but would prefer someone do it less rudely. Our entire campaign revolves around courting this oft-sighted but never captured beast.
In the dead of night, El Chupacabra drains the blood of helpless livestock. It is the bane of farmers in the Southwest. Our plan to hunt down the Chupacabra and convince it to vote Democrat includes a dangerous expedition into Death Valley where Joe will personally sate the beast’s hunger with the blood of a lamb.
Golden Age Republicans
We all know that our grandparents couldn’t have had bad politics! We need to draw in the old-school Republicans who would never celebrate such racist vitriol from a president. This is why we’ve spent $5M on a seance leader who will summon our beloved mid-century Republicans back from the dead with old Reagan pins.
The rich oil fields of Alaska have served the Yeti especially well, and it will not appreciate any limits on US drilling. The Yeti already bought a huge cowboy hat to go with its new oil baron persona. The Bernie Bros already made fun of the big cowboy hat on Twitter, and we fear it’s going to cost us the election.
The Principled Evangelical
Our campaign research has found that Trump’s rhetoric offends a large population of evangelical voters. We believe this group lives some 1500 kilometers deep in the Earth’s mantle. We’re planning a campaign stop in the Underdark where we eat the rats and lichens upon which these denizens subsist.
Champ the Lake Monster
Despite living in a Vermont lake, Champ is adamantly opposed to universal healthcare. While Medicare for All energizes a massive segment of the Democratic party, we worry about losing Champ. Our Plan to Protect and Build on Obamacare should coax this leviathan out of his murky lair and into the voting booth come November.
These do not exist. We cannot win a campaign based on fairy tales.