When Moby Dick bites the leg off Captain Ahab, woman, she goes to see the ship’s doctor. The doctor asks when the first day of her last period was and if she’s pregnant or breastfeeding. She says, “A whale ate my leg.” The doctor asks if it’s okay if he tends to a man with kidney stones first because he’s in a lot of legitimate pain. Captain Ahab, woman, says, “Oh, sure, of course. This isn’t that bad. I can wait. No rush.”
Aboard the Pequod, Captain Ahab, woman, gives a rousing speech on the nature of evil and her intent to kill the great sperm whale Moby Dick. She nails a gold doubloon on the mast as an incentive for her crew. But when she turns around, she realizes that the crew hasn’t heard a word of it; they were playing with their brooms. Affable and popular second mate Stubb yells, “Listen up, everyone! I think Captain Ahab is trying to say something!” Now Ahab has the crew’s rapt attention, but she is too annoyed by Stubb’s performative feminism to repeat herself.
When the Pequod crew encounters the whaling ship Jeroboam, the crazed crewmember Gabriel proclaims, “I have a prophecy of doom! I must speak with your captain.” Captain Ahab, woman, says, “I am the captain. Tell me your prophecy.” Gabriel then says, “Oh. You’re the captain? Are you sure?”
Captain Ahab, woman, in the throes of revenge lust cries out, “From hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee. Ye damned whale.” First mate Starbuck replies, “You’re being super emotional about this whale. Maybe wait before making any decisions? This time each month you’re a lot more rational after five to seven days.”
During the Pequod’s daily navigation meeting, Captain Ahab, woman, asks Queequeg, “Why aren’t you writing all this down? You’re literally the ship’s scribe.” Queequeg replies, “I kinda thought you would do it? Your penmanship is so much nicer than mine, you know? Thank you so much.”
Despite being a master harpooner with several decades of experience, Captain Ahab, woman, cannot pick up a harpoon without some dude providing unsolicited feedback on her technique. On many occasions, a crewmember has wrapped his arms around her from behind to physically demonstrate proper whale-heart-penetrating harpoon form. He always enunciates the word “penetrate” just a little bit differently—not differently enough to call him out on, but enough to make Captain Ahab, woman, uncomfortable.
When Tashtego becomes trapped in the severed head of a dead whale and is sinking to his certain death on the ocean floor, the crew yells out, “Oh, shit! What do we do?” Captain Ahab, woman, says, “Someone must dive in and cut him out of the head.” Starbuck then immediately says, louder, “Queequeg, I’ve got an idea! Dive in and cut him out of the head.”
Fedallah becomes hopelessly tangled in a harpoon line. Captain Ahab, woman, swears to him that she will avenge him by killing the whale, extinguishing all evil. Fedallah says, “Rawr! Catfight!” before being dragged overboard to his death.
Someone thinks they spot the great sperm whale, Moby Dick. After years of hunting the beast that took her leg, Captain Ahab, woman, reaches for her scope to finally lay eyes on her aquatic foe. However, her pantaloons were designed to provide a slim silhouette and were not made with pockets to hold a scope, and she misses it.
At long last, Captain Ahab, woman, comes close enough to Moby Dick to ram the Pequod into the whale. She gets caught in the harpoon line and is pulled overboard. The crew watches their captain sink to her death, felled by her own insatiable drive for revenge against an animal that can feel no remorse. Ishmael shakes his head and says, “It’s such a pity. Now we have no one to organize the Pequod’s weekly happy hour.”