“A whale ship was my Yale College and my Harvard.”


“A booze cruise was my University of Miami.”

“A golden jet ski encrusted with emeralds was my Princeton.”

“A houseboat of ill repute was my Mount Holyoke, where I successfully engaged in my first threesome.”

“A Greenpeace eco-schooner trailing a cloud of marijuana was my Hampshire College.”

“A flying brigantine made of robotics and conceptual art was my Carnegie Mellon University.”

“A ship of fools was my Iowa Writers’ Workshop.”

“A gallivanting pirate’s frigate where I got me a degree for a sawbuck was my University of Phoenix.”

“A tugboat that granted me passage when I wasn’t accepted to a more prestigious ship was my City College of New York.”

“An inflatable life raft was my community college. What can I say? Me gots homesick.”