“If you are close to 40 years old, you are no longer a kid. Now the buzzword is ‘geriatric millennial.’ This definition, which has sparked controversy on social media, defines millennials who were born in the first half of the 1980s and who are comfortable with both analog and digital communications.”
Entrepreneur, 5/18/21

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As your millennial ages from a young, virile mass-murderer of industries to a creaky, non-ironic user of emojis, you may be wondering how to best care for them. Here are some helpful tips on how to support this special generation as they navigate their sudden uncoolness.

Your geriatric millennial may no longer be able to care for themselves independently. When discussing a possible move to assisted living, be sure to include their roommate, Amanda.

Older people are often susceptible to financial scams targeting their assets. Fortunately, you don’t have to worry about this with elder millennials, as they have no assets.

When helping your aging millennial dress themselves, you may feel frustration at how hard it is to get them in and out of their skinny jeans. Why do they insist on wearing them? Can’t they just be sensible like you and get some mom jeans?? Take a deep breath. Remember that aging happens to all of us and that you, too, will someday have a ridiculous attachment to outdated denim trends.

At times, your geriatric millennial may erupt into nonsensical babble, like “doggo,” “smol,” or “Hootie and the Blowfish.” Redirect the conversation by asking them where they were on 9/11.

It’s okay if you can’t remember the names of all your millennial’s plants. Is Evelyn the fern or the cactus? You’d better just ask Amanda.

Geriatric millennials often enjoy having their hair brushed and styled. However — this cannot be said enough — be sure not to part the millennial’s hair down the middle. Just trust us. It’s a whole thing.

You may need to have hard conversations with your millennial about when to give up their healing crystals. Yes, they want their independence, but crystals have many sharp edges which could injure your millennial.

Elder millennials may sometimes have difficulty expressing their feelings. Make sure they have a full range of reaction gifs available at all times.

Now might be a good time to peek at their will. After all, you’ve put in a lot of time taking care of them and — what, they’ve left everything to AMANDA??!

Talk to your millennial about their will when they are calm. This is a delicate matter. Explain in a non-confrontational way that you’ve always hoped to inherit their antique iPods and their vintage illustrated Harry Potter collection.

“It’s just that Amanda has always been there for me,” your millennial answers. You acknowledge this, and your millennial continues: “It’s hard to find a roommate who pays rent on time and does the dishes. I’m never going to give her up.”

Wait a minute. Are you being—

“I’m never going to let her down. I’m never going to run around and desert her.”

Rickrolled! That hasn’t even been funny since 2008. No wonder millennials only ever get participation trophies.

Offer to meet Amanda at that Paint ‘n Sip place on Delancey. Maybe she can be reasoned with. But after a few glasses of rosé and two acrylic portraits of Jonathan Taylor Thomas later, you can see Amanda has no intention of relinquishing her claims to the iPods.

You didn’t want it to come to this, but Amanda leaves you no choice. Lure her to the alley behind the Paint ’n Sip with the promise of sharing your skincare routine.

After you bludgeon Amanda with the healing crystals, you confiscated from your millennial, wrap the body in your mom jeans. This denim style can fit anything in its spacious legs! You feel smug about your superior fashion choices as you drag Amanda’s corpse to the dumpster.

Clean yourself up and return to your millennial’s apartment. When they mention that Amanda is late getting home, distract them with the skincare stuff. You’ve never noticed what a nice sunset view this apartment has. And isn’t this unit rent-stabilized? If you take over the lease, you could get it for a steal, only $3100 a month.

“Listen,” you say, taking your geriatric millennial’s wrinkled hand. “I think it’s time to talk about your living situation again.”