Teddy Wayne is the author of the novels Kapitoil, The Love Song of Jonny Valentine, and Loner.
BY TEDDY WAYNE
Children should be seen and not heard—hey, where’s Tommy? Has anyone seen Tommy? I just assumed he was here, not making a sound, but… seriously, I can’t find him. I’m getting worried now. Yes, I looked in the restroom. Jonas, I’m telling you, he’s not here. Could he have left the restaurant? We would’ve seen him, don’t you think? Don’t blame me—if you hadn’t drunk a bottle of wine, maybe you’d have noticed him leave. Wait—he’s under the table. He was there the whole time. Tommy, never do that again, do you hear me? If you’re going to climb under the table, tell us before you do it and keep reminding us every minute or so that you’re down there.
SUGGESTED READSMom Takes Children’s Songs Literally
by Sarah Schmelling (1/11/2010)
Our Daughter Isn’t a Selfish Brat; Your Son Just Hasn’t Read Atlas Shrugged
by Eric Hague (8/12/2010)
List: What I Found in My Two-Year-Old Son’s Playroom
by John Moe (2/11/2003)
RECENTLYThis is Finally the Turning Point in the Election
by Devorah Blachor (9/27/2016)
List: World of Warcraft Character or Prescription Medication That Has Been the Subject of a Class Action Lawsuit?
by Paul Bigioni (9/27/2016)
Rebunking Conspiracy Theories: 9/11
by Keaton Patti (9/27/2016)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/22/2016)
Our Tiny Home is Revolutionizing How My Wife and I Fight
by Daniel Carrillo (9/21/2016)
An Honest Intern Application Cover Letter
by Nick Hughes (9/19/2016)