Teddy Wayne is the author of the novels Kapitoil, The Love Song of Jonny Valentine, and Loner.
BY TEDDY WAYNE
Children should be seen and not heard—hey, where’s Tommy? Has anyone seen Tommy? I just assumed he was here, not making a sound, but… seriously, I can’t find him. I’m getting worried now. Yes, I looked in the restroom. Jonas, I’m telling you, he’s not here. Could he have left the restaurant? We would’ve seen him, don’t you think? Don’t blame me—if you hadn’t drunk a bottle of wine, maybe you’d have noticed him leave. Wait—he’s under the table. He was there the whole time. Tommy, never do that again, do you hear me? If you’re going to climb under the table, tell us before you do it and keep reminding us every minute or so that you’re down there.
SUGGESTED READSMom Takes Children’s Songs Literally
by Sarah Schmelling (1/11/2010)
Our Daughter Isn’t a Selfish Brat; Your Son Just Hasn’t Read Atlas Shrugged
by Eric Hague (8/12/2010)
List: What I Found in My Two-Year-Old Son’s Playroom
by John Moe (2/11/2003)
RECENTLYA Brutally Honest Social Media Job Interview
by Sarah Fader (10/21/2016)
Monologue: Why Won’t You Kids Go to Sleep and Let Me Read Badfinger’s Wikipedia Page in Peace?
by Ben Godar (10/21/2016)
List: 20 Ways to Talk to Me About Your Home-Brewing Hobby
by Darren Hoyt (10/21/2016)
POPULARWhen My Grandkids Ask Me What I Did to Fight American Fascism, I’ll Proudly Tell Them I Tweeted a Few Times
by Sam Spero (10/19/2016)
Moderately Motivated Gen-Xer for Hire
by Melissa Janisin (10/18/2016)
Thanks, Cindy, for Making Eye Contact Through the Bathroom Stall and Making It Super Awkward During the Department Productivity Meeting
by Anna Kemp (10/14/2016)