Teddy Wayne is the author of the novels Kapitoil and The Love Song of Jonny Valentine.
BY TEDDY WAYNE
Children should be seen and not heard—hey, where’s Tommy? Has anyone seen Tommy? I just assumed he was here, not making a sound, but… seriously, I can’t find him. I’m getting worried now. Yes, I looked in the restroom. Jonas, I’m telling you, he’s not here. Could he have left the restaurant? We would’ve seen him, don’t you think? Don’t blame me—if you hadn’t drunk a bottle of wine, maybe you’d have noticed him leave. Wait—he’s under the table. He was there the whole time. Tommy, never do that again, do you hear me? If you’re going to climb under the table, tell us before you do it and keep reminding us every minute or so that you’re down there.
SUGGESTED READSMom Takes Children’s Songs Literally
by Sarah Schmelling (1/11/2010)
Our Daughter Isn’t a Selfish Brat; Your Son Just Hasn’t Read Atlas Shrugged
by Eric Hague (8/12/2010)
List: What I Found in My Two-Year-Old Son’s Playroom
by John Moe (2/11/2003)
RECENTLYSome Notes for My Child’s College Roommate
by Julie Vick (8/29/2016)
Fear, Inc: Part Seven: For the Love of Money
by Susan Schorn (8/29/2016)
List: 6 New Additions to Goop, Gwenyth Paltrow’s Luxury Lifestyle Store
by Ben Hargrave (8/29/2016)
POPULARI Would Rather Do Anything Else Than Write the Syllabus for Your Class
by Robin Lee Mozer (8/25/2016)
Do You Have a Child or Have You Just Been Followed Home By a Hyena?
by Kira Jane Buxton (8/23/2016)
List: Facebook Posts by People You Went to High School With Scavenger Hunt—Election Edition
by Derrick Fenner (8/23/2016)